Winston Churchill
“Winston Churchill is testament to the fact that smoking does no harm if done in extreme style.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Winston Churchill
“Winston Churchill has better quotes than I, and is more experienced on this issue. I learned the job at his hands.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Winston Churchill
"When I laughed at his name, he shot himself in the kneecap"
~ Tupac Shakur on Winston Churchill
Winston Matthias Churchill (1514- 1978), Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Freemason, and Dreadlock Rasta was attributed to have paracosmic powers. He is well known for his quotes, some of which he may not have uttered but are only attributed to him. It is well known that only three of his quotes were stolen from Oscar Wilde. See if you can guess which ones.
Churchill founded the Church of England in 1534, which later branched into Church of Sciencewhen he was 22. Contrary to popular belief, he had nothing whatsoever to do with the Oda Shogunate or Ars Hill. He was a great supporter of Cecil after the death of Anthony Eden during the Suez crisis in 1956.
Churchill formulated a conspiracy theory that the Jews were going to use Russia to take over the world. This is of course ridiculous, and we're pretty damn pissed that he busted us.
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Churchill the Scholar
Winston Churchill is the founder of the Church of Scientology (hence his name, Churchill). In 1940, he realized what was wrong with the world, and decided to make it right. Upon being crowned the Prime Minister of England, he invented a religion so that he could consolidate science and religion, at the expense of making any sense at all. He slowly gained followers worldwide that had so much money that it literally drove them insane, so they joined the Church. It is most commonly referred to as "Churchill's Church" for comedic effect.
What is Churchill's Church?
Churchill's Church's goal is to offer an alternative to the evils of psychology, through their therapy process that Scientology refers to as, "The Same Thing As Psychology But With A Biorhythm Machine Attached To You For Some Reason." In addition to battling psychologists, Churchill does nearly nothing at all. They also try to offer you crumpets claiming they are Winston Churchill, though this is blasphemy of the highest grade.
Where is he now?
Churchill remains the leading expert on scientology, and lives today in his townhouse in Bristol, England, where he dines on tea and crumpets daily, and smokes a fag at 1600 like clockwork. That's a cigarette, for Yanks.
If you'd like to get in contact with and/or stalk him, he can be reached at:
600 Bollocks Lane Bristol, England PN5 6GD
Other Notes
The fact that I don't know how the hell the Brits do addresses and zip code is inconsequential.
It's called a postal code. British Postal Codes refer to streets, and are based on the name of the nearest big town, apart from London addresses, which don't.
Quotes
- "What? You don't think I'm going to tell you, do you? I'd be stupid to tell you. I'd get fired." (referring to The Colonel's Eleven Secret Herbs and Spices).
- "This hat and congratulatory ham goes to France, who fought so poorly, and surrendered so readily." - Winston Chruchill on France after WW2
- On the Paris Hilton: "I stayed there once. Don't see what all the fuss is about."
- "Looking back now, I was drunk on power. And alcohol." ~Winston Churchill on his stint as Prime Minister
- "As, after all. we Discordians must stick apart" (explaining the why of POEE)
- On the unwritten rule: "Hah. You didn't think it would be that easy, did you? Trying to get me to write down the Unwritten Rule. Shame on you. Besides, it should be fairly simple to see what it is. I mean, it's not like it'd be to hard to figure out that... Oh. There I go again, almost spilling the beans. Damn, I gotta watch myself. You're a crafty one, getting me to monologue like this. That's it. I've said too much."
- "Don't believe these people, they are idiots." asserting the reality of the year 19$0.
- "Long live Charles de Gaulle!" (about France)
- "I pity the foo' who need this article." (about Mr. T)
- "I really steal all my quotes from Oscar Wilde.""
- "We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them in the streets....er..what I mean to say is, YOU all shall be fighting them. It's good to be the Prime Minister."
- "I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is debatable because he has not returned my phone calls." (about telephones)
- ". . .And your plays are terrible, just terrible, but in the morning, I will be sober," (To William Shakespeare regarding Titus Androgynous)
- "I never drink tea. It makes me bloat and forget how many kneecaps I have."
- "I can open a beer bottle with my teeth, sure. Sounds like the kind of thing that might get you laid, right? Well guess what. No woman will touch a man who draws penguins on napkins. Now that is just total bullshit." (regarding his paracosmic powers)
- "Mummy what's for tea?" ( arguably his most famous quote)
- "Ohmygod i cant believe you just said that!" (on Neveille Chamberlian's appeasement attempts)
