War

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“As long as I own, it owns.”

~ Oscar Wilde on war

"You must listen to the words of Sun-Tzu. If you will not listen to the words of Sun-Tzu, one third of your army will die, one third of your army will desert and one third of your army will point at you and laugh."

~ Sun-Tzu's The Fart of War

War what is it good for, absolutly nothin', say it a again.....

War is something that happens all the time. Like breathing, but more fun. Lots of people grab weapons and start destroying each other.

War is a good thing. If war did not exist, the earth's population would be like 14 billion. War not only prevents overcrowding, but it also makes for great entertainment. Approximately 78.4% of all movies, TV programs, and songs are a direct result of war. Even better? It tastes like cherry!

Sun Tzu owns the copyright for war, earning royalties everytime it is declared, enacted, threatened or printed on the front of tabloids in a 100pt font. Consequently, he is the richest corpse in China.

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What is war?

A war in normal or strategic form combines the set of possible strategies for each political affiliation and records the payoffs for each outcome.

Let <math> \mathrm{N} </math> be a set of political affiliation. For each political affiliation <math> i \in \mathrm{N} </math> there is given a set of strategies <math> \Sigma\ ^i </math>. Ergo war = <math> \pi\ : \prod_{i\in \mathrm{N}} \Sigma\ ^i \to \mathbb{R}^\mathrm{N}</math>, so that, if one knows the tuple of strategies that were chosen by the political affiliations, one is given the allocation payments, a real number assignment. A further generalization can be achieved by splitting the war into two functions: the normal form war, describing the way in which strategies define outcomes, and a second function, depicting each and every political affiliation's preferences on the set of outcomes. Yeah, I don't know what I said either.

Ergo war also = <math> \pi\ : \prod_{i \in \mathrm{N}} \Sigma\ ^i \to \Gamma\ </math>, where <math> \Gamma\ </math> is the outcome set of the war. And for each political affiliation <math> i\in \mathrm{N} </math> there is a preference function: <math> \nu\ ^i : \Gamma\ \to \mathbb{R} </math>.

A reduced normal form of war exists as well, and combines strategies for which are associated with the same payoffs.

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What is it Good For?

The question of what war was good for has plagued historians for millions of years. Early historiography on the topic seemed to indicate that war was indeed good for something, but this was still ill-defined.

In 1970 the noted historian Edwin Starr radically challenged this notion. In his paper entitled War! Starr came to the conclusion that war was good for "absolutely nothing.... Say it again now!". Starr's view now seems to be dominant amongst historians and political leaders, especially George W. Bush have paid attention to Starr and have completely eradicated war from the world.

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A History of the Super and Smashing Wars

War is Peace
  • BBBc - Rome v Schmome
  • BBC - Rome v Chrome
  • BC - Rome v Pome
  • C - Rome v Rome
  • 1333 - War on War
  • 1337 - Trilobite War
  • 1393 - Appendix War of 1393
  • 1423 - Great War
  • 1426 - Greater War
  • 1756 - Cold War
    • The epic war between the lassez faire Goerge Washington and the hardline maoist Robin Hood. Since the fashionable uniforms of the day didnt include trousers, the latter half of the war was spent in a cease-fire while the two sides worked together to build a radiator; which then resulted in the sinking of both command dingys. Goerge Lucas is estimated to have made at least 3.4bn shiny pennies from the panoramic shots alone.
  • 1812-1814 - War of 1812
    • Following the successful razing of a Tim Horton's in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, a band of angry hosers set off to the United States searching for revenge. After two years of travel, they arrived in Washington where they successfully besieged and levelled a White Castle. The Washington Monument was erected in 1903 at the exact location of the siege.
  • 1903-1905 - World War III
  • 1914 - War on Christmas
  • 1927-1952 - World War II
  • 1952-1956 - World War III: Reloaded
    • Since World War III was so sucessful, Warner Brothers decided to create a sequel. This war was extremely unpopular. The next in the series, Revelations, was so small as to not be worth mentioning, involving only the makers of the first World War III fighting over the remaining profits.
  • 1962-1965 - Super Asian Turbo War
  • 1966-1969 - The Sercian War
  • 1969-1970 - 60s War
    • The 60s were designed, by the powers of global capitommunism, to never end. However, rebel time travellers from the 70s hatched a bloodless coup d'etat, and killed the leaders of the 60s with afros, disco muzak and scarves.
  • 1972-1973 - World War I (released in the US as 'World War II Alpha Zero vs. Capcom to cash in the success of the original World War II)
  • 1975-1977 - Tony Orlando vs Mel Torme
  • 1982-1984 - The Dakota War
    • Fuelled by a disagreement over Richard Nixon's inclusion on the Rushmore Monument, the state of Dakota erupted into full-scale civil war in 1982. Two years of combat resulted in no significant gains for either side. Tired of the fighting, a ceasefire was signed in October of 1984. One month later came the "Treaty of Pierre", which established a demilitarised zone between the Dakotas and officially recognized North Dakota and South Dakota as independent states.
  • 1993 - Great Child Burning
  • 1995-2000 - The War On Fellatio
    • Following the footsteps of the hugely successful War on Drugs, the United States declared a War on Fellatio in the summer of 1995. The war was successfully won in 2000 with the election of George W Bush.
  • 2001 - War on Terrorism
  • 2001-2003 - 2 Calorie War
  • 2004 - World War III:Revenge of the Nazi (Apparently never occured due to severe budget cuts)
  • 2005 - War on Weather
  • 2005 - The Sour Sucker War

The following are the vision of John Doe, the one true psychic:

  • 2006 - World War IV (currently under production)
  • 2009 - War on Stupidity
    • This was an immediate success, as it not only resulted in the immediate removal of Hillary Clinton from office, but also the retroactive removal of a majority of the presidents over the course of history. Schoolchildren were relieved, as they only had 3 presidents left to memorize. Hillary's sucessor was Big Brother.
  • 2032 / 1988 - World War VII (It is still yet to be explained how time managed to create a paradox and not destory the universe by the appearance of the film in 1988, but Marilyn vos Savant is working on it rest assured. Audiences didn't seem to miss the character development considered critical in the previous 3 films)
  • Galactic Civil War of 2043
  • Mexican-Canadian War of 2118 Still under construction.
  • Ongoing - War on the Future While it is not clear when the War on the Future began (or ended or will end) it is known that it was won at some point in the Past by some people from the future that actually came from the past to escape that war ( Like an inverted scenario from the Terminator documentaries ). So they gathered troops and weapons and went back in time ( only to be defeated again and reatreat back to the future) and so it continues forever.

Umpteen-leventy-Ump - Santa Umpteenth Fuzzy Hat War, started by Blackbeard the Potato-Masher Man, to rid Oscar Wilde of his 42nd right arm.

  • 238789E21 War Of CNrhK.
    • Chuck Norris wipes out the martian fleet and the amazonian reindeer squads with a single roundhouse kick before turning on Nietchze.
  • 238789000000000000000000000 War Of CNrhK: Special Edition
    • 23 minutes added footage from Goerge Lucas - 16 minutes of panoramic shots. Actual plot not known to exist, possible appearance of Nuck Chorris.
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Other less popular wars

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War, the Person

A former horseman of the apocalypse, War has since retired, and is living his unlife out in South Florida, though he enjoyed his stint as Armageddon's drummer from 1976-1987. War has also converted to Buddhism, and now can often be seen wearing the ceremonial kilt oft preferred by Buddhist monks.

Tired from an eon of riding around, War has dropped his busy schedule, and now takes time for the simpler things in life. Lately he has been known to enjoy silk robes, kittens, roses and long baths. He begins his mornings with several hours of meditation, and ends his day with Tai Chi, accompanied by the soothing scent of brimstone.

If you wish to speak with War, he can often be found meandering the beaches of South Florida at sunrise, or sitting atop a dune, gazing out at the glassy sea.

He also has a lovely wife.

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War, the Band

Almost single handedly responsible for the Big Band revival of the 1970s, War made it to the bigtime with their hit single, "Funk Grandma". They are often credited as musical influences by other famous groups like Van Halen, Belle and Sebastian, and the Bagg Street Klezmer Band.

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The Final Truth

Lies made up by the media.

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Synonyms

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See also


Forces of the Universe
Gravity | Electricity | SPAM | War | Mathematics | Sophia | The Flying Spaghetti Monster | Most Awesome Page Ever