Tea

Tea is the national drink of the English. While there are many types of tea, nearly all of them suck. Also, they contain the same vital ingredient - dihydrogen monoxide, a known toxin and incredibly bad joke made by people of scientific bent. Tea is a major component in antimatter physics, and tastes nice with a chocolate digestive biscuit as well.

Contents 1 The origins of tea 2 How to make a perfect cup of tea 3 Types of tea 3.1 Orange Tea 3.2 Unforgiving Tea 3.3 Homoerotic Nipple Tea (HNT) 3.4 Moon Tea 3.5 Yorkshire Tea 3.6 Cee Yu-en Tea 3.7 Demonic Moonwizard Tea 3.8 Cold Tea 3.9 Battered Tea 3.10 Beer Tea 3.11 Bread Tea 3.12 Jewish Tea 3.13 Tea that is not unwelcome within the streets of Babylon 3.14 Boston Party Tea 3.15 Dead Tea 3.16 Negative Tea (anti-tea) 3.17 Goat Tea 3.18 T-Shirt Tea 3.19 Tea Inspired By The Epic Swordfight Between The Mole Prince And The Deadly Assassin 3.20 Fractal Tea 3.21 Umpire Tea 3.22 Mr. Tea 3.23 Coffee Tea 3.24 Crap Tea 3.25 Tea 3.26 Spoon Tea 3.27 Forgotten Tea 3.28 Otter Tea 3.29 S.H.I. Tea 3.30 No Tea 3.31 Nest-Tea 3.32 Curiosi Tea 4 Tea Fusion 5 Tea-break trivia 6 See Also

The origins of tea

There are many differnt theories as to how tea was invented. The most popular theory goes that a monk was sitting in the grounds of a monastery underneath a tea tree, carefully drinking a bowl of boiling water, when a passing bird defecated in the bowl. In disgust, the monk threw the soiled water vertically into the tree. The water spread through the tree, dripping down onto the now thoroughly pissed off monk. Some of the water, which had now infused itself with the tea leaves, fell directly onto the monk's tongue, leaving the monk with a pleasant taste in his mouth (which helped to counterbalance the searingly intense pain incurred by having a bowlful of boiling hot water splashed all over him). After having been released from hospital, he rushed back to the tea tree with a bucket of boiling hot water (only falling over and scalding himself again twice), and tea as we know it was born.

(Incidentally, this is also the theory behind the delicacy known as bird shit soup's origins.)

Another theory goes that tea was used by ninjas as a method of keeping awake. This was used after some fool-hardy young ninjas tried to cut their eyelids off - good in theory, but they hadn't thought of the problems this caused, i.e. the inability to blink, the drying out of the eyeball, and most severly of all, automatic disqualification from staring contests due to cheating.

The English claim that it was they who in fact invented the principle of tea, although in the olden days, due to a lack of tea trees in England, they used pig toenails boiled in milk instead. Though foul, it helped the development of the English language somewhat. Before the invention of tea, all the English had to talk about was how piss-poor the weather was. Now, they could talk about the piss-poor qualities of their tea as well.

It is also known that otters secrete sub-atomic tea particles (teons) into the water just before making a kill, in an attempt to lull their prey (usually an Englishman that's strayed too near to the riverbank) into a false sense of security. It always works.

How to make a perfect cup of tea

1. Get someone else to do it for you.
2. Failing that, make a cup of tea yourself, you lazy bastard.
3. see. Ginger Hair

Types of tea

Orange Tea

Tea made from oranges. Very popular in Holland, because William of Orange says so.

Unforgiving Tea

This tea is made from tea, water, arsenic, ebola, smallpox and anthrax, with mint to taste. It is served in asbestos cups, with spoons made out of razorblades. Understandably, this is the most popular type of tea in Australia.

Homoerotic Nipple Tea (HNT)

Made from the milk of lactating men. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a prime producer of HNT milk. Does not make men gay, but might make them take up flower arranging, in order to get in touch with their feminine side.

Moon Tea

Neil Armstrong took a packet of Moon Tea on board Apollo 11. They never drunk it. The packet of tea is now displayed in the Museum Of Things That Don't Exist, alongside Shakespeare's typewriter and John F. Kennedy's tutu.

Yorkshire Tea

Cold tea with no milk and gravel in't. Served in a cracked mug an' all.

Cee Yu-en Tea

A bit fishy, this one.

Demonic Moonwizard Tea

Made using eye of toad, leg of newt, wing of bat and a pinch of Lapsang. Very popular with Harry Potter fans, but then again everything with the word "wizard" is.

Cold Tea

This is tea that is chilled to just above absolute zero, and then has a stick thrusted into it, creating a tea popsicle. Popular in many British sea side resorts, especially on the rare occasions that the temperature makes it above absolute zero.

Battered Tea

A Scottish delicacy. Works extremely well with battered Tizer and battered Irn-Bru.

Beer Tea

Understandably, the best selling brand of tea in the world, ever. Anyone who has never tasted the cool, refreshing blend of tea and beer before is - and let's face it, everybody knows this - a big fat loser.

Bread Tea

Tea that you can make sandwiches with. Don't, whatever you do, use marmite with Bread Tea. It might explode.

Jewish Tea

Exactly the same as ordinary tea, only with a beard.

Tea that is not unwelcome within the streets of Babylon

This is tea that is not unwelcome within the streets of Babylon.

Boston Party Tea

This is a special and highly scented variety of American tea originating from a journalistic error. It is sometimes flavoured with mollases, and is held in high esteem by Cecil and Harrison Ford.

Dead Tea

A lake on the border of Israel and Jordan (the country, not the woman with the enormous jugs), filled with incredibly salty tea.

Negative Tea (anti-tea)

Negative tea (symbol: -T) is used in antimatter reactions. It is theorised that if a particle of tea were to collide with an anti-tea particle, then an explosion would occur that would wipe out the whole of, say, Essex, and possibly the Isle of Sheppey too.

Goat Tea

Tea that has been drained through the wool of Welsh mountain goats, then drizzled with grated cheese and a bit of Worcestershire sauce. Only 109 people have died of goat tea consumption so far this year, the lowest figure for several centuries.

T-Shirt Tea

Tea that has been dripped on a T-shirt, then wringed off and placed back in the kettle. Very popular with airlines.

Tea Inspired By The Epic Swordfight Between The Mole Prince And The Deadly Assassin

In cinemas near you NOW! (15 certificate)

Fractal Tea

Tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea...

Umpire Tea

Tea that only tastes nice if you hit it over the boundary. Otherwise, it gives you the runs.

Mr. Tea

"I ain't gettin' in no cup, foo!"

Coffee Tea

Tea made from coffee. Or possibly coffee made from tea. Either way, it tastes exactly like tea mixed with coffee, with a bit of Dandelion & Burdock mixed in there too for good measure.

Crap Tea

As sold in supermarkets everywhere, usually in a plain white box with "TEA" written on it. A speciality of Netto and Lidl.

Tea

• See Tea

Spoon Tea

Tea that still has the spoon left in it, hence making eye-pokage a very real possibility. As found in ophthalmologist waiting rooms everywhere.

Forgotten Tea

Er...

Otter Tea

Tea made from otter fur. Very difficult to get hold of, due to the dangerous nature of the average otter.

S.H.I. Tea

Short for Super Heated Induction tea. S.H.I. is hotter than the sun, and is used in Tea Fusion (see below).

No Tea

A singular lack of boiled water and/or the conspicuous absence of Earl Grey

Nest-Tea

Nest-Tea is a type of low quality tea manufactured by the Nest-Lee corporation. Nest-Tea is made from the nests of tropical birds rather than tea leaves to reduce the cost of manufacturing prices. The Nest-Lee corporation also produces Nest-Cafe, a type of coffee made from birds' nests.

Curiosi Tea

An unusual and fascinating tea variety, now known to be fatal to cats.

Tea Fusion

Tea is a major source of power, especially in England, where tea is in abundance. The development of tea fusion in 1944 helped the British army to design cyborg beefeater armies (complete with rocket arms, jetpacks and silly hats) in order to take over the world... eventually, after a few cups of tea and a good sit down.

Tea fusion works by bombarding molecules of dihydrogen monoxide with positive teons, creating a cataclysmic nuclear reaction that kills everything within a mile radius, but leaves everything smelling pleasantly of PG Tips all the same.

Scientists are now working on creating a tea-fusion reactor at Dungeness, which should provide electricity (and water) for the whole of the South East of England. This scheme is not without danger, though; last time they tried this, they created a crater the size of Birmingham. Sadly, they didn't create a crater in Birmingham... but give it time.

Tea-break trivia

• Seven billion tonnes of tea are manufactured every second by monkeys all over the world.
• If you stacked every box of tea sold in the UK each year on top of one another, then you will have done an incredibly stupid thing.
• Tea is banned in Poland, due to Poland's ban quotas (whereby they must ban ten objects each year). Next to be banned: balsa wood.
• Tea rhymes with pea.
• The Pope likes tea.
• So does Harrison Ford.
• The best sort of biscuit to dunk into a cup of tea is a rubber biscuit.
• In China, they drink tea with chopsticks. Quite how, nobody has been able to ascertain. It is suspected that some sort of voodoo is involved. Then again, it may well be that someone, somewhere, is lying to me.

See Also

• Musical Scale
• Tea Bag
• Biscuits
• A Nice Cup Of Tea
• A Sit Down