Poland
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NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! |
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| Official language | Esperanto, Chinese | ||
| King | Double-headed Donald Duck | ||
| Established | Yesterday. Probably. Maybe. Who the fuck knows? | ||
| Famous cities | Wąchock, Szczebrzeszyn, Swornegacie | ||
| Currency | Litres | ||
| Religion | islam, sect of priest Rydzyk, paganism, duckism | ||
| National anthem | "Hej sokoły"
"Suck my Duck" "Polskę trzeba zLepperować" | ||
| Capital City | Wallsall or War Saw (Piła bojowa) renamed to Duckcity (Kaczogród) in 2005 | ||
| National Sports | Smoking, migrating To London en masse, drinking their National Currency and wines, llama love, listening to Radio Maryja | ||
| Country code Top Level Domain | qwe.pl | ||
A forbidden, no longer officially socialist village located on a small island in the Baltic Sea. Most of the world's population tends to forget about Poland, a fact which George W. Bush has capitalized on several times.
Contents |
Relations with other countries
Indonesia
Poland is the Anti-Indonesia.
- <math> \mbox{Poland} = {\left [ \frac {\mbox{ white }}{\mbox{ red }}\right]} </math>
- <math> \mbox{Indonesia } = {\left [ \frac { \mbox{red}}{\mbox{white}}\right]}</math>
So we have:
- <math> {\left ( \mbox{Poland}\right)}^{-1} = {\left [ \frac{\mbox{white}}{\mbox{red}}\right]}^{-1} = {\left [ \frac{\mbox{red}}{\mbox{white}}\right]} = \mbox{Indonesia}</math>
Malta
Poland is the Adjoint-Inverse of Malta.
- <math> \mbox{Poland} = {\left [ \frac { \mbox{white}}{\mbox{red}}\right]}</math>
- <math> \mbox{Malta} = {\left [ {\mbox{red}}|{\mbox{white}}\right]}</math>
So we have:
- <math> {\left ( {\left ( \mbox{Poland}\right)}^{-1}\right)}^{\dagger} = {\left ( {\left [ \frac{\mbox{white}}{\mbox{red}}\right]}^{-1}\right)}^{\dagger} = {\left [ \frac{\mbox{red}}{\mbox{white}}\right]}^{\dagger} = {\left [ {\mbox{red}}|{\mbox{white}}\right]} = \mbox{Malta}</math>
As a result, Poland and Malta form hermitian bijections onto each other.
Education
Students are required to wear uniforms in order to attend school throughout the nation. The colour and decorations of each student's uniform are dictated by his/her marks and achievements/failings.
Uniform colors and marks
- violet - A (Ass)
- red - B (Bum)
- white, light grey - C (Cardinal)
- dark grey, black - D (Dope)
- blue - E (England)
- green - F (Fart)
- yellow - G (Gay)
- orange - U (Unstable)
Decorations
- exposed chest - class president
- no trousers - student often arrives late for class
- fez - student has excelled in a certain discipline (the fez provides protection for his/her head as the climate in Poland is typically very cold)
- stuffed animal - student still wets the bed during nap time (primarily used to absorb the urine)
Students
A furious group of individuals living in special separated, boobytrapped and armed zones called akademiki (dormitories). Students are famous for their ability to exist without food, water, showers, or kitten huffing. They have evolved to gain energy directly from the Polish currency - wudzia, mainly in the flavours Paris Blue and Sky above Chernobyl.
The main form of income in Poland comes from students who pay for their failed exams several times. Students who don't pay on time are shot without warning, beaten on the balls, raped, and sent to Siberia. It is called the September Campaign.
Medical Care
Medical care is a very specific aspect of polish life. Doctors, nurses and other medical staff are heavily armed and they received prize for each scalp of the patient, called "skin" (skóra). The special section of polish hospitals is the hospital of Łódź, which is the greatest producer of the human skins. Generally, in polish hospitals medicament called "pavulon" is officially recognized as panaceum for all possible and impossible illness, including motion sickness, madness (especially voting on doubleplusungood political candidates), organ athrophy (except of brain), bone fracture and zombification.
History of Poland
Jumping apparently out of nowhere (in night, so no one exactly know when it was established), Poland almost instantly began to spread legs for anyone who want it's piece. First written mentions of Poland come exclusively from nations and other entites (especially Pokemons and mentally retarded children), whom raided, raped, eviscerated and fucked up whole country several times. But fun ends, when one guy with idiotic nickname Mieszko said "enough, you fucknuts!".
First known date from Poland is 1410, when Chrobry (another idiotic nick) made a bet with Emo-Hitler over the two crappy swords. The loser had to walk whole day with these swords in his anus. Unfortunately, Chrobry lost. From this time, all Poles have been assholes. Literally.
The most important moment in Poland history came in 1939, when polish (Kazimierz the Small) and german (Otto the Idiot) leader repeated the old bet. Of course, polish poor fuck again lost his bet.
After winning (thrid time) presidental election in 2017, Andrzej Lepper established first concentration camps in Poland for people, who voted for someone else.
The nation of Poland suffered a tremendous tragedy after World War 3, when the Lithuanian army repatriated the Polish city of Wilno and forced the inhabitants to return to their motherland. The resulting overpopulation caused a famine of unseen proportions which claimed all of the displaced residents of Wilno. After that polish people invented the only way to bring freedom back to Wilno. This way was wudzia. They produced it a lot, then invite all Lithuanians for birthday and forced them to drink. Quickly the Wilno was back in Poland and Lithuanians back in hospitals.
Military
The Polish military is well known for its elite hang glider, submarine and armoured divisions. However, the Polish ninja infantry is still relatively unknown despite their key roles in the assassinations of Adolf Hitler, JFK, Superman, Olivia Newton John Travolta and Marlon Brando (to name but a few).
Politics
In Poland, elections are banned. Instead of this, every five years polish people enjoy so-called (in)famous pig race in biggest circus in Poland. Every president (and deputy) candidate sit on genetically engineered wild pigs from most distant and dark corners of Poland. They run in circles in circus tent, drinking hectolitres of wudzia, screaming obscenites at each other, throwing shit (often their own), run into walls and generally causing big mess, until tent falls. Winner is that candidate or deputy, whom still can move after that madness.
Strange polish parliament is composed from many apolitical and non-political parties from over the all world, such as:
- Slutty Little Dickies: mindless drones of chubby-cheeked Aleksander "Acid" Kwaśniewski.
- Anally Weaseled Sempertines: long-dead corpse, and is really stinking.
- Puking Ovens: killed mercilessly by Kaczyński, whom assimilated their poor-ass leader.
- Outlaw and Injustice: currently ruling leftist-anarchistic-fascist party.
- Lenin Putin Russia: raging communistic bastards, infilitrated by Father Director Teddy Rydzyk.
- SelfAttack(*): self-attacked by Andrzej Lepper and sinked succesfully. But their time will come.
- Non-Political Block for Fucking Reforms: name says it all. Led by the infamously antisocial Lech Wałęsa.
(*) SelfAttack is only a popular, informal name of this party, while officially it was registerd as SelfOffense with abreviation SO.
Actual winner of Poland pig race is Outlaw and Injustice and it's leader Kaczyński.
National Legends
A very old legend tells about two members of the student society. Two knights, Lassak and Simo, famous for their battles with the angry amazons of deanery in the kingdom of Cracow Technical University (Politechnika Krakowska). Survivors of endless September Campaigns, they are believed to still study in the restless struggle for masters' degrees.
Other legends include that of the Infamous Giant Talking Frog of Rumia. Rumia is a small village in northern Poland, situated about halfway between Hell and some other town situated twice as far from Hell as Rumia. In Rumia, there's a small, muddy lake. That lake is the home of Infamous Giant Talking Frog of Rumia. Once every thousand years, the Frog emerges from the lake and sits down on it's shore. It (the Frog, not the lake!) looks to the left, it looks to the right... and then, it speaks! And you know what does it say? "You can all kiss my ass!"
Economy
Currency
The national currency of Poland is the litre (litr). It is produced in denominations of 100mL, 200mL, 355mL, 500mL, 1L and 0,7L. Unlike most other countries, polish money is not minted from metal or printed on paper, but rather is distributed in the form of the transparent liquid, described below. An exchange rate of roughly 8 euros for 1 litre is typically available. Litres are produced by many privately licensed foundries which are owned and strictly controlled by the aristocracy. Counterfeiting is rampant (particularly outside the major cities and in student dormitories) in Poland since litres can be distilled from rain or illegally drawn from rivers.
The Polish government enforces a strict set of rules to restrict what can be served as money to the general public. Due to these regulations, the almost only money that is actually available to the public is wudzia (though underground cells opposed to government oppression distribute a much better transparent liquid called wudka or sometimes spiryt). The process of producing wudzia is a secret that is tightly kept by the government (the sole producer of the liquid), but international spies suggest that the liquid is distilled through the tentacles of Wawelski dragon through a process of reverse osmosis.
Lately, a new currency appeared here, thanks to threats and bribes from European Union. People of Poland drinks more and more wines, produced out of cheap grape sos and calcium. They have often very smart and very well thought names, which often sound exclusive like:
The Poles are very proud of their money. They can often be found discussing which foundries produce the best money for hours without end. Some polish people will even engage in consuming money in public.
Industry
Polish toliet taps are main source of beer, yellow dye and sediment rock, major export products of Poland.
The most famous polish company is Great Wall Investment owned by ultracatholic Jerzy Urban which sell over the world plastic models of walls and speciallizes also in publishing of Bible in 1001 versions, adapting this famous comic to all ultracatholic sects in the universe. For example: Green Bible, Bible of the Laden, Bible Original ver. corrected or Bible for Animals - ver. acustic.
The Polish workingclass
Poland is also regarded as Europe's Mexico, which means that hordes of polish emigrants venture out to far corners of Europe. They work their ass off for nothing less than half of the minimum-wage, blindingly spreading their disease of wodzia, Lada Powah and more or less suspicious activities, involving their female relatives, for making some extra cash. You can easily pick out a "polish-occupied" camping-site by the abnormally amount of Lada's, empty wudzia bottles and general trash.
Polish workers are proud craftsmen. They pick strawberries like no one, and polish painters can do without any kind of ventilation. Polish construction-workers require no heating nor lighting. This is because our dearly beloved Polish stand-up hardworking, sodomizing and godfearing craftsmen keep themselves warm with insane amounts of wudzia. And since they also show a total ignorance for working safety, this often leads to explosions and wildfire, which in it's turn nullifies the need for light.
In the long run this keeps the flow of Polish workers steady. We both can meet new incarnations of these infamous creatures and get the oportunity to engage in explicit activities with their female relatives.
Other
Polish emigrants abroad in the USA are well known in the floor-care industry. This is generally attributed to a fortuitous event in 1979 when Jerzy Krosiński answered a classified ad looking for "men to polish floors."
Language
The Polish language is an international oddity. As one American of polish descent says "Polish has too many fucking consonants!" It has only one phonetic unit to represent all 50 letters of their alphabet. This sound has been described by linguists as the sound made by a caribou as it is being devoured by a hungry lion in a dry bush. To date there is only one person on Earth who can properly speak the complex Polish language. In a cruel twist of irony, she is deaf and mute. She was recently the subject of a Time Magazine cover story in which she advocated switching to the Cyrillic alphabet to write Polish. Her exact quote from the article was: "what the hell... nobody can read this stuff, anyway.".
Simple examples
- W Szczebrzeszynie chrząszcz brzmi w trzcinie i Szczebrzeszyn z tego słynie.
- Żółte żaby żałośliwie żalą się żółwiowi, że żółtodzioby żuraw z Żywca zamiast żyta żaby żre.
- Stół z powyłamywanymi nogami.
- Król Karol kupił Królowej Karolinie korale koloru koralowego.
- Wyindywidualizowałem się z rozentuzjazmowanego tłumu.
You can put out your eyeballs with spoon now.
National Greetings
- Ty chuju jebany. (pronounced: tea who-you yeah-bunny, meaning: Good morning.)
- Skocz mi, ty chuju. (pronounced: scotch me tea who-you, meaning: Good afternon.)
- Chuj ci w dupę (pronounced: whoy tchea v doope, meaning: You look very good)
- HWDP (for police, pronounced: hah voo de pe, meaning: to serve and protect)
- Ty stara cipo! (only to ladies, pronounced tea stara chipo meaning You look so lovely today.)
- Wypierdalaj! (pronounced: vy-peer-thala-y, meaning: Could you possibly leave this place?)
- Ty skurwysynu! (only to guys, pronouced: tea skoor-vee-seenoo, meaning: You are my best friend!)
- Pies cię jebał. (only to dogs, pronounced: peace see-e yee-bow, meaning: My dog likes you.)
- Chuj ci w zęby. (pronounced: whou tchea v zen-bee, meaning: Bon appetit!)
- Kurwa! (pronounced: koorvah, meaning: , [coma])
- Co narobiłeś, baranie. (pronounced: czo naa-robeyesh baraneeh, meaning: I appreciate what you have done.)
- Pierdolisz... (pronounced: peer-doll-isch meaning: I agree with you. Really!)
- Ni chuja. (pronounced: nee whou-ya meaning: Yes I'll do what you want.)
- Przypierdolę ci. (pronounced: pshy-peer-dolle-e tshi meaning: I take care of you)`
- Czego, kurwa? (pronounced: che-goh koorvah, meaning What do you want?)
- Morda, psie. (pronounced: moardah ps-ie, meaning Could you stop talking to me?)
- Co ty kurwa pierdolisz?! (pronouced: czo tea koorvah peer-doll-isch..?!, meaning: Excuse me, what are you talking about?)
Grammar
All books about Polish grammar are banned and on Inquisition Index because of mass cases of insanity, eye-gouging and vomits on precious bookstories floors. It's saying that original language of Cthulhu (from: Cho, ciulu, meaning C'mon, unclefucker) was Polish, and R'yleh originally was written as "ryło" (phiz), but believers had problems with polish national characters.
People Who Have Not Forgotten Poland
- Adolf Hitler
- Joseph Stalin
- George Bush
- you
- Donald and Duck (during their fight for polish throne)
People of Poland
- Kaczyński (alias Kaczor), ruler of Poland
- Shaquille O'Neal, Polish Jedi Master
- Michael Jackson , Polish National Fruitcake
- Werner von Braun, mad scientist
- Pope John Paul 2.0, late bible nut
- Roman Giertych, politician
- Rasiak, greatest soccer player
- Andrzej Lepper, politician
- Father Director Teddy Rydzyk, religious leader
- Lech Wałęsa, ex-ex-expresident
- Stefan Żeromski, writer
- Miś Uszatek, polish invention that went so wrong
- Bogdan Raczynski, mad scientist and inventor of the reverse peephole
See also
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