Other brackety thing

Image:Right-wing.JPG

The Right-wing sect knows that everything it thinks is right (as opposed to the Left-wing sect which believes everything, including themselves, are wrong). There is no dispute in this matter, and when there is, it generally involves a lot of slobbering and excessive phlegm.

Right-wingers always stay in packs, making them hard to take down. They tend to wear reinforced dress shirts and pants to support their wrinkled, red, overly pudgy and lard-filled physique. This is not a put down, however, as they use it to their advantage to scare away children on TV.

They support freedom of religion, as long as it happens to be the same religion they believe in.

They are strict constructionists when it comes to the Bill of Rights (by which we mean the second and tenth amendments. To them, the rest is pretty much just padding).

They show strict adherence to the Ten Commandments:

• Thou shall stockpile firearms if at all possible. Be sure to mention your "cold dead hands."
• Babble for hours on an AM radio station. Occasionally throw in some words from a political thesaurus.
• Use democracy to destroy it. For instance take over the Senate only to abolish it so the country becomes ruled by a dictator.
• Criticise and try to impeach anyone who calls himself or herself a Democrat. Look the other way if they call themselves a Republican.
• Care more about politics to an unhealthy degree. If you're not in politics, criticize it on air, in your new book or your blog.
• Have a stake in oil, tree burning, seal clubbing, and whale nuking. Buy a mansion with your investments.
• Become fat. Really fat. Eat nothing but good 'ol KFC. Make sure you have the whole conservative thing down.
• Use speech to convince others, regardless of coherency. Use extra chins on your neck to your advantage.
• Become old and grey. Breed a lot. Make sure you have at least twelve kids.
• Drink straight Kentucky Bourbon every night and every morning until your liver walks into an AA meeting all by itself.

A popular right-wing game, called "beat the odds," involves reproducing so much that you become the majority in a two party system. Then, at least eight identical brothers should enter politics to stay away from habit forming all night liquor/crack binges. Afterwards, run for president. Keep using crack.

As a political ideology, right-wing proponents believe that government is beneficial and needed to maintain social order, that security is, like, way better than freedom, that taxation and an ever-growing list of laws are the price we pay for civilization, and that facts should never get in the way of a good social program.

Even our good friends the French have got in on the act, and not just during the various German invasions.

The right-wing is believed to have been started on Wednesday, 1269 on IMUG

Not at all to be confused with left-wing.

External links

• Home of the Right Wing Conspiracy