Hollywood, Los Angeles, California

“You know what the problem with Hollywood is? They make shit.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hollywood

" Who really cares what Hollywood thinks? All these hacks come out there. Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general, and Catholicism in particular. It's not a secret, okay? And I'm not afraid to say it. That's why they hate this country. It's about Jesus Christ, and it's about truth. It's about the Messiah. Hollywood likes anal sex. I like families. I like children. They like abortions. I believe in traditional values and restraint. They believe in evil. We have nothing in common."

~ Bill O'Reilly on Hollywood

Origins

Hollywood was founded in 1925 in Tulsa, Oklahoma by a small group of dudes who like, totally wanted to form this bitchin' band. They quickly realized that they were living in Tulsa, and as such were dirt fucking poor and had no access to any sort of musical instruments, save for their rice-cooking pot which doubled as a kettle drum. So they decided to form an improv troupe instead. That failed too, owing to the fact that none of them had any sort of discernable sense of humor.

A knock-off location was quickly set up in the Los Angeles area to produce third-rate movies in honour of an Indian entrepreneur by the name of Mr. Bolly Wood. Today, dozens of strangely phallic statuettes of Bolly are dished out each year to conniving performers who could marshal the biggest lobby group - see Academy Awards

Geography

The streets of Hollywood are either paved with gold, or caked in crusted piss, depending on who you ask. In addition, a curious sign was placed on a hillside above the town, like a white plywood Stone Henge which was supposed to spell out the name of Bolly's girlfriend Holly. Sadly, kids kept getting up there and changing the letters around to spell things like WHERE'S WALDO and the like. Once they even managed to spell FLOWERY PLANTS. Incidentally, this is how the board game known as Scrabble was invented.

Business and Industry

Hollywood's main export is a product known as schlock. Schlock is a gooey, oily substance that most people say they find repulsive. In reality, consumers eat this stuff up to the tune of $300 billion dollars a year. This money is then sealed away in an illegal bank account, reportedly belonging to the Speilbergians, so as to make certain that inevitable sequels (Schlock II< Bigger, Badder, Oily-er) are less appealing due to lack of funds. COnsumers will then spend still more money in theaters, thus perpetuating the cycle infinatley, or until a franchise has sent it's main character to space, Manhatten, Mars, the center of the Earth, out for a weekend a Bernie's, or into a syndicated television program.

Strange side effects of this business cycle are reported among theater goers. One cannot help but feel that after going through the hassle of waiting in line several times for tickets and pop corn treats to the tune of twenty American dollars just for the honor of sitting in an uncomfortable seat behind someone who's entirley too tall and restricts your view of the screen, which is rehashing a situational concept that has been done a million times before with better acting, that they can actually hear the director, producer, and main cast members in some gothic chataeu in the middle of the night, laughing maniacly at your troublesome experience.

Some of the major producers of schlock are Jerry Bruckheimer, FOX, and Burger King.

Politics

In 1999, after years of being ruled by an iron fisted mayor known only as Carrot Top, the citizens of Hollywood stopped pumping themselves full of cocaine long enough to elect a reformer to the mayor's office. Ashton Kutcher has since presided over the trucker-capped denizens of this bustling metropolis, and by all accounts it has been a succesful term in office. No longer do hookers and pimps parade up and down Hollywood Boulevard and its venerable Walk of Fame. Now, they have nice offices with plush couches and plenty of crystal meth and kittens to go around. First lady / Police Chief Demi Moore is currently waging a campaign to eradicate nude beaches from the city. She also has big, amazing knockers.

See Also

• Los Angeles
• Waldo
• Ringo
• Harold Lloyd
• F. Murray Abraham
• Bollies in the Hood
• Kool-Aid Man
• Franky went to Hollywood