Australia
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| Motto: Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy! Oi! Oi! Oi! | |||||
| National Anthems:
1. Do You Come From A Land Down Under? | |||||
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| Established by Abodigitals | circa 38,000BC | ||||
| Established by Whitey | 1788AD | ||||
| Independence | not yet - still English colony | ||||
| Queen | Betty the Second (Liz Windsor) | ||||
| Government | PM's XI | ||||
| President | John Howard | ||||
| Official language | Strine, a.k.a. "Straylyan mate" | ||||
| Currency | Either one of these, depending on which one is more worth: | ||||
| Religion | Football | ||||
| National Hero | Shane Warne | ||||
| International Hero | Rolf Harris | ||||
| Capital | One of these (or else!):
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| Least Important City | Sydney | ||||
| Most Boring City | Adelaide | ||||
| Most Inbred City | Hobart | ||||
| Most Redneck City | Brisbane | ||||
| Most Unlucky City | Darwin | ||||
| The One with the Swan River | Perth | ||||
| Wettest City | Sydney | ||||
| Exports | Ugg Boots, Kylie Minogue, Abodigitals, Warney | ||||
| Mascot | Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat | ||||
| National Crisis | Prashbi | ||||
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| Earth's Continents |
"Ve shall fight on zee beaches, Ve shall fight on zee landing grounds, ve shall fight dem in zee fields and in zee streets, ve shall fight in zee hills; ve shall never surrender to Australia."
~ Winston Churchill on Australia
"WTF, Mate? I thought Straiya was jail!"
~ Oscar Wilde on Australia
"It is the home of the out of place westerner and the British student who thought that visiting America was unoriginal and visiting South Africa was just too damn exotic, failing to even consider the possibilty of visiting one of the nations in which the other 5 billion residents of planet earth sub-exist. When Chuck T Falcon said 'Remember sadness is always temporary. This, too, shall pass.' He had obviously failed to take Australia and it's absolute nihilism into account."
~ A foreign person on foreign stuff
Australia is a magical, beer-filled land located in the Great Big Billy Ocean. Pronounced 'Strai-ya', usually followed by a 'g'day mate'. It should also be noted, that 'Strai-ya' Is populated by 57% yobboes and 23% South East Queensland and Sydney Yuppies.
Contents |
Origin and History of the Name
- "Australia is actually a common misspelling of The Magical Land of OZ. The people held a contest to name the country in which "Australia" narrowly defeated "Super Ultra Mega Convict Island!"".
This is the often told history of the name "Australia". But it really only perpetuates a Myth. That is to say it is not a complete fallacy. The actual history behind the name actually does date back to the time of Oz. A small peasant girl was on the way to a land she had heard of, only by the name of "Oz". Along the way, she crossed paths with a tinman, who coincidently had no heart, this is not to say he dropped dead on the path from the most severe form of heart failure. The young girl enquired to him, "Oz trail yeah?" she was of course no where near the land of Oz, which only existed in between the covers of a well known book. But the name stuck, and through time has been combined in to one complete word, better known today Australia
History
Australia; formerly theorised as the greatest mountain in the world, to be tunneled out and used as a cavern of immorality, but then discovered to be nothing more than the greatest island in the universe. It was then discarded by the then King of England, King Kong, who was often criticised for having a typically 2D view of the world. Fortunately for England he was ousted from Prime Ministership by a strategically placed barrel to the head. Australia; Originally an island for the shipment of English convicts. Early inhabitants used their slight of hand skill advantage to steal a captains ID and sail in the direction of Antartica in the hope of finding the mysterious "Father Christmas and his elves" unfortunately they were not well educated enough to know that Santa lives in the North Pole, and is a fictional character. But luckily for the present inhabitants of Australia, one Henry Barrington Smith aboard the pioneering voyage to Antartica, had actually constructed his 3/4 flood pants entirely out of magnetic rock sourced from the motherland England. And with his enjoyment of circumnavigating the deck of the ship, he caused the compasses of the captain to go in all directions thus leading them in a complete circle and back to the beach from which they left. This is noted in the captains diary as such "Antartica is much like Australia, it has the same trees, beach, and same people waving to us goodbye" From here the newly founded Australia built itself on a strong trade in pickpocketing, and drunk and disorderly behaviour. Upon this booming trade, the first brewery was founded in Sydney. Finally freeing the locals from the practice of drinking fermented animal urine. This transition from English beer to a locally produced product can be seen in the erection of the Sydney Opera House. Only with sufficient intoxity could the local population agree produce something worthy of being deemed erected and allow the locals to miss the fact that it had been "erected" and not giggle at the term. On this note the new obsession Australians found in gambling, a lottery was established to fund the construction of this building. From here the rest of Australia was founded, but it was apon this great engineering feat, that our constitution was based: "Drink beer, and be sure to be drunk, even when sober" the interpretation of this comes from an early regional dialect often refered to in early cave paintings as "bogan". It has yet to be fully translated but its impact on Australia is unignorable.
Some people maintain that nobody really wants to hear about the origin of Australia, and that there's only one place worth going in the whole country. These people are invariably divided into two camps: NSWians and Queenslanders; that is, they are invariably stupid. Most people in Queensland or New South Wales are incapable of remembering the names of the other states of Australia, while the inhabitants of the other states of Australia not only know the names of those two states, but where they are as well (so as to avoid them at all costs). However, almost everyone in every state is aware of the location of America, for much the same reasons.
Politics and Government
Australia is the only nation in the world to completely keep its own results of incontinence.
This gives Australian government officials a +4 influence bonus and one extra Special Power usage per day. Another notable aspect about Australia is that it possesses the detached province of Tasmania which generates one squad of 3-headed inbred mutants every turn, who are used in the Australian Army as shock troops, as well as making good moving targets down at the shooting range.
However, Australians are relatively passive in world affairs, preferring to save up their +2 armies every turn (also for being an entire continent) and turtling in Indonesia or Siam until they have enough force to enact world domination. Despite having the most trained, well equipped, "Ultimate Army of the World", the Aussies generaly choose to just kick the shit out of the Americans at war games, and send them out on beer runs for the rest of us.
Australia is ruled by England's Queen Elizabeth II (aka "Iron Liz") a tyrannical dictator who also runs things in New Zealand, Canada, Western Samoa and India. Australian politics are often decided by beer drinking contests or wild animal hunts. The Chancellor of Australia at any given time answers to the title "Crocodile Dundee", much in the same way other countries call their rulers, King, President, or Nero. The life of Crocodile Dundee XIIIVXX16 is chronicled in the Hollywood documentary of the same name.
However, Darth Howard seems to have some sort of power in the country, and is secretly planning to eat Iron Liz. This was recently evidenced in idle chatter surrounding some self-congratulatory tea-party held in Melbourne.
The Current Government's abandonned the long-held Foreign Policy of "She'll be right, mate" and seems to have adopted "I wish my Bruvver George was here" as its slogan. This apparently consists of Doing the American Army's Work for them, and then heading off to the Local Pub, while the Americans take the Absence as an opportunity to Claim credit for winning the war.
Unfortunately, John Howard uses Aboriginees to his own advantage, such as creating the Aboriginee Apology Acceptance Act and missionaries.
Since the last update the Great Billy Ocean has withdrawn most of his rule from the Austalian continent in favor of ruling Atlantis II (previously known as New Orleans, AKA "the city previously known as ф") As of a week ago, Australia was left as just the worlds most immense plateau. The sea bottom has been dried for the time being, but the Great Billy Ocean states he will return as soon as his reign from the Atlantis II is finished. He holds high hopes that will be soon, as he misses the sea bed.
New Zealand is an unofficial state of Australia, in the sense that it is self-governing, but any achievements in the State are the collective property of the country on the whole. Failures on the other hand are folly only of the state of New Zealand (see also Russell Crowe).
The Map
Foreign Relations and Military
- Main articles: Australian Defense Force, Australian SASR
Wars
Australia has a recorded war history of 8 wars, only one of which we started, and was only taken as a last resort to prevent Shannon Noll from producing another album. Australians never lose except when they are placed under the command of foreign officers, who are without exception dildos. Consequently, in each and every war we have been dragged in as meat puppets, totally slaughtered, losing key battles and making them seen as great achievements. In recent times, Australia has been involved in the war-on-terror, and the war-to-keep-out-all-the-ASIANS!. Many riots which occur in Australia was sparked on The Vestibule
Top Secret Enemies List
The Australian Government's foreign policy (We Decide Who Comes Here, Alright? And If You Don't Like The Liberal Party and Alexander Downer Bugger Off) welcomes all immigrants, especially those from war-torn countries who cannot speak English. A very reasonable condition of entry is that they must stay in detention in the desert for at least four years, and during that time, they have to create three riots and sew their lips together twice, because living in Western Sydney isn't much better. Nationalities forced to undergo this minor trial, in the name of international peace, are affectionately named (deep breath) Niggers, Lebs, Dune Coons, Emos, Spics, Gooks, Slopes, Woks, Greasers, Nips, Sand-Niggers, Frogs, Krauts, Dagos, Kiwis, Abos (which is a bit strange because they were in Australia before the current Administration), Japs, Chinks, Filos, Gremlins, Martians, Bug-Bears, Quooses and luminous shades of the colour green.
The Asian Invasian
Over 900 million Japanese come as so called 'tourists' to Australia each year. These are really Japanese spies planning invasion routes through Dreamworld and Movieworld on the Gold Coast. They take enormous amounts of photographs to send back to Jap-Spy headquarters for deliberation - so if you see an Asian with a camera, take em' down! This of course does not include Chinese tourist, of whom are simply under the guise of accidentally capturing shots of random bachelors for their mail order brides to immediately swarm into the area and begin the wedding, before they take off with the unfortunate man's bank account, leaving him only with the Made In China 'gold' ring and their water bill. So if you see a Chinese tourist with a camera, take him down too!
Flora and Fauna
As mentioned previously, kangaroos and Emperor penguins are part of the native fauna in the Australian "bush". There is a lesser known creature that is kept out of the media, commonly known as the 'Drop Bear'. The 'Drop Bear' (Phakus cinereus) is related to the common 'Koala bear', both of which are not related to the bear species. The platypus is also a native to this land, but the locals try to shun association with this horrible embarassment of evolution.
A film was documented involving a young drop bear named Bundaberg who went on to fall out of a tree on a group of hapless females. This film is severely wrong on the account that drop bears don't fall out of trees, but instead run around the bush in camo gear carrying Steyrs, Crocadile Knives and VB. Drop bears are named such because they are said to 'get the drop on you', and are also known to parachute to their victims. They also make up the better part of the Australian Army
Crocodiles are typically considered part of wildlife of this country, but only by foreigners. In truth, with crocodiles so numerous, they have been allowed the same rights as humans. Of course in Australia, that really doesn't amount too much, since Whiteys are legally allowed to hunt and kill Aborigines much in the same way humans can kill crocodiles. Billions of American tourists are sexually molested by Koalas and Kangaroos each year. Yet more puzzling is they keep on visiting Australia in an unprecedented rate. Authorities are investigating this disturbing trend. Hoopsnakes are also a vital part of Australian life, supplying much of the country's sperm donations.
Economy*
Australia is famous for its domestication of eucalyptus trees, on which kangaroos and Emperor penguins grow. These animals are harvested, painted a variety of pleasing colours and exported around the world. Large amounts of raw alcohol are also annually excavated from mines and refined into beer through complex chemical processes.
Tyre Stealing is also a favourite Australian shenanigan, which involves stealing other peoples tyre piles. Tyre stealing can be traced back to ancient abodigital Australian culture, where tribes would steal each others kangaroos because the abodigitals hadn't invented the wheel and therefore couldn't have had any tyres.
Australia is famous for its wide and diversified exports. These include such valuable commodities as Neighbours, Pantomime Actors, Barmen and Midget Singers.
Other major exports include Paul Hogan, the Baby carrot , coon cheese, Tasmanian heroin, shrimp on the barbie, talking koala bears, Turd Burgers (see Australian Idol), Yarm, and of course VeeBee..Australian for (cheap) beer.
Demographics
All Aussies, are actually descendents of wizard-murderers, since convicts of Askaban founded the country. Although most of them don't know it, they have to ability to make anyone's head asplode.
The only way to tell if someone is Australian is to poke them with a sharp stick and offer them a beer. If they respond with 'where's the Fish 'n' Chops, mate' they're clearly not Australian, but are the funny talking relative, the New Zealander (also known as the swimming convict).
Other indications that someone may be Australian is the general absence of footwear and a copious number of empty beer cans/bottles around them.
Current pattern
- 94% Scody kiwis, banished from their homeland for shagging sheep.
- 33% Descendents of Askaban convicts.
- 32% Kangaroos
- 22% Alcoholics
- 12% Kung Fu Geniuses
- 7% Japanese tourists
- 2% Prashbi
- 8% Famous Australians
Note: some Strayens fall into more than one of the above categories
Culture
Australian culture is wide and diverse, if you aren't a Seppo ie stupid American( isn't that tautology). Much of Australia's culture lies in upholding the cultural barriers between themselves and their neighbour New Z-land, and seriously giving the seppos as much stick as possible.
Every year the greatest thinkers and philosophers of Australia gather to hold a ``Why we aren't like America" contest. This has come into contention due to the continual re-election of John Howard, who couldn't bowl a decent offie to save his life. The use of ancient Zen and drunken-master techniques is taken as a sign of weakness on the sheep's part and punished by the ingestion of unsweetened chocolate. The winners are rewarded with free booze and their opponent's first-born child. The losers walk around drunk without pants. After enjoying the tastes of victory, the winners do the same. (It is in fact illegal in Australia to be sober at any given time.) Another charming aspect of Australian culture is the humiliation of other nations. We often do this to make us feel prud due to our constant lack or self esteem. A prime example is the koala, whose only purpose is to lure in Japanese tourists with furry good looks and leaf-eating predilections. Once cuddled up in the victim's arms for a photo opportunity, the koala slashes major blood vessels with its razor-like claws, causing instant, (and often permanent) death. This is due to the australian governments alience incredibly smart plan of mutating animals to eventually take over the world, however in some cases the mutations haven't been so successful, such as the dingo, who often accidently attacks its own people (almost as thick as the aussies) The Japanese would have put a stop to this long ago, were it not for Australia's strategic advantage (see "Politics and Government").
Visitors to the country often comment on the uniquely Australian whimsy for place names. For example, the Sydney Opera House and Harbour Bridge are both, deceptively, kinds of cheese grown in caves in land-locked Alice Springs. Similarly the states of New South Wales, Western Australia, the Northern Territories, the Australian Capital Territory and South Australia are all national parks in the island of Tasmania which is just east of Indonesia. Contrast the states of Queensland, Tasmania and Victoria named by the plain-speaking English.
- Note: This subsection contains secret messages.
Sports
Australia is noted for its humiliating defeat by England in the 2003 Rugby World Cup. The arrogant bastards also lost the Ashes in 2005. While many British are quite keen to remember these victories, they have a curious blindspot regarding the Australian win over England in soccer in 2003, but this can be expected because the English are so hopeless they still think the game is called "football".
People from other countries always support any team playing Australia, and whenever an Australian national team loses, the entire country goes into a national day of mourning, or two days if the loss it to New Zealand.
Australians are also the current Blitzball world champions.
Australian Rules Cricket
ACL, better known as Aussie Rules Cricket is a hybrid between the original game and ten pin bowling, where, at their liberty, a bowler may choose to deliver a ball by rolling it down the pitch. Australians are often known, probably due to heat exhustian, to get the rules of ACL (also known as 3-pin bowling) confused with the international version. This caused heated debate in 1981 when the Chapple Bros. finished a game against New Zealand in the domestic format. The cricketing world will not forgive them, ever, as decreed by the Treaty of Muldoon in 1982. Especially when they keep winning.
Fast Facts
- The continual flogging of the English in every sport known to man is probably the most popular national pastime of all, although most English will not admit to this.
- Tourists are given traditional Australian greetings. For example, a common Aussie greeting for British tourists is "G'day you poms! you make us look good!"
- Speaking of culture: What most Ozzies know but others don't is that an Australian kiss is just like a French kiss, but down under.
- Australian men are even drunk when sober.
- When speaking, drunk Australians will die if they don't have a barbecue ever 20 minutes.
- It has many national anthems, 'Tie me' Kangaroo Down, Sport', 'We are Strayan', 'Hit me baby one more time', 'Girt By Sea' and 'Waltzing Matilda's a fucking Slut!'
- Traditional Australian holidays and festivals include Strayan Beer Day.
- Popular festivals and holidays include Barrelanza.
- All Australian life-forms will kill you if given the chance, even the locals.
- Flushing toilets, CD players, and fans spin in the opposite direction
Some Famous Quotes
"If we arent supposed to mindlessly follow everything that America tells us, why are they bigger then us?"
~ John Howard on Autonomy
"Australia is the madest place on earth except for Uganda - we just can't compete with a place like that. We love our beer and our Prime Minister (a drunken kangaroo with big eyebrows). A common mistake is that John Howard is George Bush's lap dog, but the truth is he'll listen to just about anything someone tells him. XXXX bitter."
~ Oscar Wilde on idiots in general
"Please Explain!? I hate chinese people. Boo to u ugly chingchong chinese mudbloods."
~ Paulene Hanson on On race
"So thats $2.00 minimum chips and 3 dim sims and 2 potato cakes? you want salt luv?."
~ Paulene Hanson on On The Economy
"Man, this place would be some much better if David Caruso was here."
~ William Petterson on Australia
"But he told me he was eighteen"
~ Peter Reith on some schoolboy
"Crikey mate, she's a beast, took both me and Terri to take her daarrn'. Oh 'Stralya, yeah mate bloody bonzer place 'stralya, yea, yea wouldn't give it up for a can'a chips... I could use a Castlemaine right now, its been almost an hour since my last, you havent got one have ya mate?"
~ Steve Irwin - Australia's most sucessful export, mainly to the US on On Australia... I Think..
See also
- Australian Defense Force
- Australian-English Dictionary
- Australian Parliament
- Australian SASR
- Australian Units
- History of Australia
- Lake Illawarra
- NUS
- Prashbi
- Tasmanians
- WorkChoices
External links
| Australia |
Aufstralia • Australians • Government • Leader • History of Australia • Paul Hogan |
| States: Coopersouth Australia | Tascademania | Tooheys New South Wales | VictoriaBitter | Western Swan Gold Australia | XXXXland |
| Fauna: Apostle Bird | Banjo | Bunyip | Dingo | Drop Bear | Emu | Hoop Snakes | Kangaroos (Killer) | Kangaroos (non-Killer) | Kangaroos (friendly) | Koalas | Koalas (other) | Platypus (ordinary) | Platypus (duck-billed) | Possum | Vegemite (other) | Wombat |
| Cities: Adelaide | Brisbane | Canbra | Melborn | Mount Isa | Perf | Sid-a-nee | Yarm |
| Recreation: Fosters | Fosters | Fosters | Fosters | Fosters | Fosters | Fosters | Fosters | Fosters |
