1910

Contents 1 1910 2 1911 2.1 Events 3 1912 4 1913 5 1914 5.1 Events 5.1.1 Tragedy Strikes Austrian Indie Rock 5.1.2 Germany Gets This Party Started 5.1.3 Clobberin' Time 5.1.4 Everything Else that Happened in 1914 6 1915 6.1 Events 7 1916 8 1917 9 1918 10 1919 11 1920 11.1 Events 11.1.1 Pre-history 11.1.2 1920 11.1.3 Other Notable Events 12 1922 13 1923 14 1924 15 1925 16 1926

1910

• Benedict Arnold Carver accepts an offer from Kaiser Wilhelm II to become the senior evil scientist of Germany. This appointment later leads to a long standing feud between Benedict Carver and leading German scientist Count Zeppelin who had been passed over for Carver.
• Grongilax, a highly popular product introduced in 1901, is withdrawn from the market by Amalgamated Poxololeum after it was discovered its side effects included to cause death and the sniffles.
• John Cleese is elected British Home Secretary.
• William Howard Taft bloats to his maximum size of 300 tons, divides into two smaller Tafts.
• Darth Vader is voted "Pope of the Year" by the Galactic Empire Today for the first time. He will later win again in 1977.
• The Thesaurus is discovered in Oxford by Winston Churchill.
• Charles Nelson Reilly is born.
• May 16 - In response to recent civil unrest the U.S. Congress authorizes the creation of the BATF. The BATF cracks down on drunken hippies in San Francisco the following week.
• December 6 - the puzzle potato was nearly shoplifted by Winona Ryder from Lester B. Pearson's flaxen wool-works store. The event was made into hit a movie starring Gary Coleman as Winona Ryder.

1911

Contrary to popular belief, the year of 1911 did not in fact occur between the years 1910 and 1912. Due to a strange and elusive property of base ten numbering systems, the number 1911 in fact comes between 2394 and 2395.

Events

• When the end of 1910 came about and this phenomenon was discovered (as all calendars and timepieces worldwide suddenly said 1912), the leaders of the major world powers and Canada got together and determined that they had to "make a whole bunch of shit up", to quote Oscar Wilde, who was also at the meeting. This meeting gave us the currently accepted history of what would have happened in that year, had it come as humans were expecting.

• What will actually happen in the year 1911, some 390 years in the future, has been be prophesized by many, but not Nostradamus, who said the whole thing was just really fucked up. Most say the world will end with the Wrath of Grapes or Dill Pickle Doritos. And most of these predictions are horrible failures, according to the Oscar Wilde who had...or will...or something...time travelled to the meeting from the year 1911 to attend the meeting while his 1912 self ate some candles. According to Wilde, "A lot of shit will happen". He refused to give specifics...bastard.

1912

• The year man learned to walk. Woman had been walking for years, men were just too lazy. Which explains why kitchens are so clean.
• The Titanic did the hokey pokey and time traveled to 1932, but encountered Jesus, whereupon it got lost in outer space. The Unstinkable Molly Brown offered no comment (or commitment) whatsoever. The disappearance of the ship was blamed on The Snorks.
• Jesus returned, but was distracted by something shiny until 1932. Thus the end of the world was delayed until said shiny object was put down.

1913

• Igor Stravinsky's The Rite Of Spring is first performed in Paris. It is a huge success and nobody riots, not even a little.
• The first fully-carpeted coast-to-coast ferret-run opened in the USA.
• Large portions of Thailand and Mongolia were surrended to Empress Gabor by the 1913 Treaty Of Waffle House.
• Klaus Sanatschen (Santa Claus) was murdered by his Elves on December 24th. To celebrate, the Elves enjoyed the traditional meal of cookies and milk.
• Mae West, Vaudeville and all around luscious woman gains legitimate employment as a lab worker in the practice of a Urologist when she can state "You look like a fine specimin" without fear of reprisal.

1914

1914 is generally recognized by professional historians as the Year Everything Went to Shit.

Events

Barbra Tuchman, in her book, August, 1914 (which was originally part 8 of a twelve-volume series) she explains it succintly, using her trademark colloquialisms, in the opening pages of the first chapter:

"Damn, shit was whack. Tha Serbs was all up in Austria's shit 'bout independence, Germany was frontin' like she was some sorta straight-up world powa, France was frontin' like she was gonna knock the Kaiser's teeth out, and Russia was too stoned on that vodka to give a rat's ass. Europe was like a club where a drug deal's goin down and the cops know about it. Shit's about to go down, and everybody in tha club knows it. Alls they can do is either pull out they nine or curl up in the corner like a little bitch, y'heard?"

Tragedy Strikes Austrian Indie Rock

On September 28, 1914, Austrian Indie rockers Franz Ferdinand left their hotel in Belgrade to play a 'Serbian Independence Benefit' concert (concerts which were common among avant-garde indie musicians of ther period). Someone, presumed to be an Austrian secret agent, found them and followed them through corridors and factories as they traveled to the show, at a simple venue in downtown Belgrade known only as 'The Matinee'. The killer found them in the Matinee, the dark of the Matinee, and all of Franz Ferdinand (as well as half the audience) was taken out by a fire bomb that killed the entire band in the initial blast but also set the building aflame. A firefighter dispatched to The Matinee was heard to comment, "This fire is out of control." to which others responded "It's gonna burn this city." Thankfully, the damage to other buildings was minimal, though 'The Matinee' iteslf burned away to the point only forty feet remained. Of what, no one knows.

News of the deaths spread quickly, causing much shock and outrage among both fans of the band and independence activists. The Kaiser had remarked months earlier that the next European war would be fought over 'some damn foolish alt-rock band in the Balkans'. As it turned out, the Kaiser was eerily accurate.

The Chief Kaiser's other prediction that there would be a "riot" as everyday he would be loved less and less was also eerily accurate following the Sailors rioting that ended the war in 1918 and forced the Kaiser to abdicate his throne.

Germany Gets This Party Started

Germany promptly declared war on Serbia when Serbian officials openly criticized Rammstein, and Austria was not far behind when a group of Serbian teenagers formed a Franz Ferdinand cover band. Serbia was promptly terminated by Austria, in particular the famed Bodybuilder's Brigade, which overpowered enemy troops by sheer testosterone overdose. Russia also pulled some crazy shit in East Prussia and got their ass handed to them.

Clobberin' Time

German Super Heroes, most notably the Fantastic 4, were a key force in the early battles against French soldiers, and were largely responsible for the victories (such as the Battle of the Frontiers) that drove the French back almost to the brink of defeat. At the brink of defeat the Frenchmen felt at home and comfortable, and they turned around at the Marne and forced the Germans back. After that things pretty much settled into a rhythm.

Everything Else that Happened in 1914

• 3000 US Marines took a year-long spring break trip to Veracruz.
• Twins King Kong and Donkey Kong were born.
• Mother's Day was invented and patented immediately afterward.
• 1024 people died when a ship (the Titanic, of course) sank off the coast off Ireland due to faulty steam boilers. 768 manufacturers of steam boilers signed a new resolution improving quality-control standards in the industry. This is considered the birth of the so-called 1024 x 768 resolution.
• The capital of Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region of China was moved from Guilin to Nanning.
• Arthur Price is born in Liverpool, UK.

1915

1915-The Year of the "Tiger vagina-man"

Events

• Starting in January and ending on the 34th march, there were a series of human men born with a Tiger Vagina.

Located on the forehead, these Tiger Vaginas grew in size, so much in fact that the government set up a facility in Mississippi to contain these Men with abnormal 345 pound tiger vaginas. The scientists studying the Tiger Vagina-men did not realise it was a contagious disease.

The government moved the facility to an American-owned Island about 108 miles off the coast of New York State.

Eventually the disease evolved and became airborne in fact passing by ships. The Government realised the menace and nuked the Island and killed off the disease.

Even though the Tiger Vagina-men should be gone from this earth, there have been sightings of a small group of them wandering in the mountains on the small island.

Also,

• Tammy Wynette, the talking zippo lighter of Kaiser Wilhelm, is seen for the last time before disappearing mysteriously.
• December 25 - Private Investigator Elmore Thompson is born in Tampa Bay, Florida.
• Tiny Tim is born, then born again a moment later.
• Under the Battle of Verdun, God was killed.

1916

• The mixture of Mustard and ketchup causes the crash of the univsersal harddrive wiping out knowlege, intelligence, and common sense. This would later happen again in 1933.
• The Nobel Physics Prize is awarded to Kaiser Wilhelm II, for slipping the judges a fifty.
• March 20 - Albert Einstein publishes his flawed Theory of relativity.
• July 18 - Oscar Wilde invents his way out of a wet paper bag, much to his critics' chagrin.
• December - Herbert Henry Asquith and the Conservative Party are ousted from power and were replaced by Lloyd George and the now ruling Liberal Party. However, it is decided not to return John Cleese to a government position.
• The word damn is used the fist time by a young british soldier.
• Daylight Savings Time is invented by Time Traveling College Students

1917

• January 17 - George Harrison becomes the nominal head of state of the USSR.
• March 14 - Yogi Berra joins the Bolshevik Party.
• April 6 - the USA declares war on germs.
• May 13 - Three peasant children claim to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. They deny it has anything to do with the Marijuana they found growing there.
• September 5 - Oswald Rabbit, first president of Disneyland, is born.
• September 25th - Trotsky invents the Marx-a-lot marker to unite the prolitariate.
• October-November - Lenin turns into The Incredible Bolshevik-man.
• December 66 - Finland declares her independence.
• December 67 - Finland is extremely pissed off since no one seems to notice her independence.

1918

• Communist Manifesto is written on the mens room wall in a pub somewhere in Germany.
• A de facto revolution takes place upon Franz Kafka, shortly after becoming President, turns into a giant insect, eating the Parliament of the Czech Republic, and disappearing forever in Candyspace. A clone of William Shakespeare assumes leadership of the country since then.
• Mickey Mouse the Great, future brutal dictator of Disneyland, is born on May 15.
• Spanish Influenza strikes worldwide...millions hurt and killed in the process...labor leaders try mediation but it maintains its grip on world's population until people simply stop supporting it.
• A woman is arrested in Salem, Massachusetts for showing her naked knee in public...Ministers call for her to be strapped to a wheel and sent down a hillside to see if she did it of her own accord, or if the Devil made her do it.

1919

• January 12 - Jewish Acrobats hunting Wales in The South Pacific first discovered Australia.
• January 27 - The original Dennis the Menace convicted Michael Jackson of first Child Molestation charges.
• February 14 - The bikini was invented by Chinese efficiency Gurus, trying to save money on materials.
• April 1 - Dogs and cats were invented, by a young scientist named Wendy CatDog.
• April 5 - The Nobel Prize for Gibbon hunting was first awarded to a man named RobotJesus.
• April 8 - Macromedia Flash 1.0 was first released.
• May 5- Walt Disney makes a bunch of Random cartoons in flash and then dies when he eats 4kg of chocolate in one sitting.
• July 1 - July is declared a month of staring at the wall, by the then world President, Fidel Haratio.
• December 23 - The Alphabet is invented by a woman named ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
• December 25 - AOL invents SPAM email.

1920

To say that 1920 was a year full of pestilence, famine and poor quality candyfloss would be a severe understatement. To say it was the 'bomb', a awesome roller-coaster of mind blowing events, and most definitely the best year in existence would obviously be a huge overstatement. In order to burn away this grandiosity that is a sad trait of many contemporary writers, careful deliberate dissection is needed.

So settle in readers, find your monocle, take a small sip out of your brandy glasses and tell your wife to bake some crumpets.

Events

Pre-history

Before 1920 the world had been through a difficult time. The divorce of man and nature had been long and ugly and mans latest mistress, the industrial revolution, had turned out not to be the submissive japanese schoolgirl man dreamed of. Instead man was locked in an awkward foxtrot with the school mistress, all 180 pounds of man-hating, whip-wielding, bearded feminazi. Belching out putrid smoke, forcing large families to live in cardboard boxes, biting heads off innocent seals, inventing communism and eroding the class divides were just some of the atrocities of this period.

Man and his sidekick Civilization were certainly without a paddle, and with power being quickly vested in the masses of illiterate fools, something desperate had to be done. 'We need a plan with balls' said Man, 'definitely balls, one that will donkey punch the lower classes and the revolution back to last century'. But the Eton and Oxford schooling failed them at this most crucial moment, and all they could do was organise a game of polo followed by a 13 course meal, a game of a whist and a shag of the maid. The decline of society continued with little resistance ...

1920

So the situation looks bleak. Every one is covered with a layer of coal dust and communism is 'cool' with young urban socialites. Man and Civilization are dead drunk and have run out of snuff. Their meager possessions consist of 2 ponies, 14 pheasants, 1 maid, 2 wheels of brie, a half used cigar, a mansion worth 4 pounds 5 shillings 3 pence and the blueprints of a utopian society. Yes, things were not good at all.

But over the course of 1920 a small but significant shift in society would occur. A plan would be formed. A plan with balls. A plan that would make heroes of men, middle class whingers of commoners and put the women's liberation movement back 60 years. Oh well, you can't make an omlete without breaking eggs. Unless you're a vegan, in which case you may have to make up another analogy. How about: You can't make tofu without crushing soy beans? You can? Really? Damn. Well you get the idea anyway.

In early January Civilisation and Man woke up from their moderate hangovers and felt the inevitable grip of middle age crisis. Desires for red sports cars and younger attracive women swept over them and they were forced to eat a wheel of brie to calm down.

Other Notable Events

The first year in the decade that would eventually be known as the Roaring Twenties, 1920 was the year my father was born, which ultimately is only important because that stroke of luck enabled me to be here now.

The ligature competition took place in 1920. God bless my father by creating ₧.

• July 23: Karl Marx became Adam West.
• July 24: Adam West is shot and requires a nipple transplant.

1922

• Neccopolis becomes the capital city of Pennsylvania after the former capital Harrisburg secedes from the United States.
• January 7 - Adolf Hitler is not born
• February 4 - Gerbil Tennis originates
• February 11 - The Gameboy is developed and released to the public, who all hated it
• February 17 - A missile crashes into west Russia. Russia retaliates by virtually nuking the world into oblivion. The world regenerates.
• February 17, later that evening - Russia nukes the world into oblivion. The world regenerates again.
• February 18 - Everyone wonders, "What happened?".
• April 2 - The Moon crashes into earth
• April 25 - The 6th planet Vulcan spontaneously explodes, and the government covers it up.
• April 27 - Saturn crashes into Neptune, but the government makes another Saturn so that the people won't notice.
• September 9 - The potato is invented.
• December 31 - The Travman is born.

1923

• The Human Race was first held in Narnia for the first time
• Notable philanthropic character, Adolph Hitler was born
• The Thirty Year Law, later known as the Thirty Year Rule, is created by the British government
• The exponential constant of the number 7 is estimated by mathematicians to be valued at 7.00132
• On February 30th Hertziaustrovakia declares its independence from the Ottoman Empire
• The 12 only existent Pez dispensers were fabricated, one of them being Carl Peterson (not Chris Swarr)
• The number 21 was introduced by the UK Government in order to stop 23 being 5 plus 17.

1924

• Death of Sir Corinthian Leather, inventor of the Synthitar
• Dorothy Parker's first major work of literature, an homage to the Flapper Nation entitled Bernice Bobs Her Pubic Hair is released to the public. F. Scott Fitzgerald finds Parker's piece to his liking, but is rebuffed by Parker who remarks that "Fitzgerald's fatal flaw is that he keeps a woman waiting, and then comes too soon."

1925

• Scandal rocks the world of tennis as officials of the PTA Tour order drug testing for its roster. Nearly all the players are revealed to be using Vitamin X-Up-Up-Triangle.
• Sergei Eisenstein's silent film Battlestar Potemkin is released.
• The Double V is created by Calvin Klein.
• May 5 - Teacher John Scopes is ordered to cease teaching Tenneesee students elecution and instead forced to teach the theory of evolution.
• June 8 - Tom Jones is born.
• Autobahns are secretly annexed by Hitler. They will later be claimed to be invented by him and not by its original inventor Al Gore.

1926

• Jerome K Jerome's non-fiction book Your Life and My Times is published.
• Yogi Berra becomes head of the Georgia OGPU.
• Baker Einstein finds a formula to computers run the command Control C, Control V.

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