Nabokov, instigator of irony, agent of alliteration. My sin, my soul. Na-bo-kov: The tip of the tongue touching, timidly, the teeth and resting as two rapid rushes of air add, softly, their respective plosive syllables. Na. Bo. Kov. He was Владимир, plain Владимир, in aristocratic Saint Petersburg. He was Sirin in Berlin. He was Vladimir Vladimirovich Nabokov on the dotted Line. But in my hands he was always Nabokov.

The following section of this arid article, this lyrical, lilting lemma, would as doctrine dictates, as forced by formality, be dedicated to biographic information. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, pay heed, focus your unsleeping minds, and do not miss a word, for in this squabbled skein of sentences lies the life of our knowledgeable Nabokov, our vivid Vladimir. (more...)

Recently featured: Bear - Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats - Westboro Baptist Church - Osama bin Laden on the Walk of Fame - Home Haggis Maker

• Michael Jackson has been arrested for trying to sell the penis of Hillary Clinton on ebay
• Hillary Clinton has lost her penis. Can someone please return it?
• Scientists accuse God of making the sun dissapear in China. Read all about it in the eclipse article!
• Humpty Dumpty has a great fall, sues wall constructor.
• Hogwarts destroyed by suicide death eaters.
• Paraplegic benefits association makes a stand on new legislation
• BREAKING NEWS: Michael Jackson has been discovered to have been an anti-florescent fungus all along
• A kitten clings to a car for 7kms in order to kill the driver.[1]
• The French government surrendered today to unarmed PETA members.
  

<choose>

<option>

• ...that you have new messages?
  • ...that I have more?

</option>

<option>

• ...that 99% of heroin users started out on milk?

</option>

<option>

• ...that due to international copyright laws, U Can't Touch This?

</option>

<option>

• ...that that if if you you were were wearing wearing 3D 3D glasses glasses right right now, now, this this sentence sentence would would knock knock you you unconscious? unconscious?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the U.S. Government invented l33t for use in printing license plates on its cars to track which department they belonged to? Thus, a common plate for a Postal Serice-owned car reads "P05741", a CIA-owned vehicle reads "5PY0NU", and an IRS-owned vehicle reads "74X35-D347H".

</option>

<option>

• ...that zebras don't have stripes, and every single picture you've seen of them has been Photoshopped?

</option>

<option>

• ...that, since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?

</option>

<option>

• ...that your <choose>

<option>Strength</option> <option>Dexterity</option> <option>Intelligence</option> <option>Wisdom</option> <option>Constitution</option> <option>Charisma</option> <option>Attack</option> <option>Defense</option> <option>Speed</option> <option>Spec. Attack</option> <option>Spec. Defense</option> <option>Accuracy</option> <option>Evasion</option> <option>Force</option> <option>Guts</option> <option>Will</option> <option>Max HP</option> <option>Max MP</option> <option>Max PP</option> <option>Max SP</option> <option>Critical Hits</option> <option>Luck</option> <option>Plot Advancement</option> <option>Cuteness</option> <option>Grue-Slaying</option> <option>Resistance to AAAAAAAAA!</option> <option>Mojo</option> <option>Muscle</option> <option>Mysticality</option> <option>Moxie</option> <option>Sword Skill</option> <option>Staff Skill</option> <option>Bow Skill</option> <option>Ninja Skill</option> <option>Fisticuffs Skill</option> <option>Axe Skill</option> <option>Mace Skill</option> <option>Spear Skill</option> <option>Trident Skill</option> <option>Cooking Skill</option> <option>Juggling Skill</option> <option>Polearm Skill</option> <option>Drunkenness</option> <option>Fire Resistance</option> <option>Ice Resistance</option> <option>Lightning Resistance</option> <option>Wound Resistance</option> <option>Hadoken Resistance</option> <option>Grue Resistance</option> <option>Healing</option> <option>Imperviousnicity</option> </choose> just went down by 1 simply by reading this sentence? </option>

<option>

• ...that there is no other word for thesaurus?

</option>

<option>

• ...The world’s only vending machine vending machine is in Kathmandu?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the gorilla in King Kong was real, but Jack Black was created with CGI?

</option>

<option>

• ...Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, but he never cries?

</option>

<option>

• ...that it was Colonel Mustard in the Broom Closet with Your Mom?
  • ...and the lead pipe?

</option>

<option>

• ...that I Can't Believe It's Not Soylent Green is actually marmoset?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the Holocaust is a controversial but hilarious subject?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Oscar Wilde beat cancer(and by cancer we mean small children)?

</option>

<option>

• ... that I touched it? Fuck you, Hammer.

</option>

<option>

• ... that the Google Adverts here are sometimes funnier than the stories? Why not click one!

</option>

<option>

• ... that Diet Santa dresses in white, has no beard and very few teeth?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the phrase "Did You Know" is copyrighted by Scholastic Publishing and this website is currently being sued for unauthorised use?

</option>

<option>

• ...that, following Greenpeace protests, it was made illegal to eat cheese taken from the moon?

</option>

<option>

• ... that Billy Bob Thornton knows what you did last summer?

</option>

<option>

• ... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? The beautiful irony in God's universe is that the 72 are all male Star Trek geeks.

</option>

<option>

• ... that this is not a pipe?

</option>

<option>

• ... that my Oedipal tendancies are a RIGHT, damn it!

</option>

<option>

• ...that until "The Great Orange Movement of 1921" Cheetos were Lime-Green?

</option>

<option>

• ...that it's probably not weekend (The chance is 5/7)?

</option>

<option>

• ...that if an admin even contemplates updating the DYK section, his existence will be negated?

</option>

<option>

• ...that instead of eating or drinking, Mr. T absorbs the crushed self-esteem of the fools he has pitied?

</option>

<option>

• ...that using the wrong kind of feces in your Poop Cuisine can lead to a metallic aftertaste?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the external combustion engine is over 300% more efficient than its internal counterpart?

</option>

<option>

• ...that 2006 is the year of the Bonsai Kitten?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Jesus can walk on water?
• ...that your love is my love?
• ...that no one loves you not?
• ...that Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dick?

</option>

<option>

• ...that I give a shit only after taking laxatives?
• ...that chocolate-flavoured Ex-Lax works splendidly?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Spiderman has a small penis?

</option>

<option>

• ...that there are in fact several wrong ways to eat a Reese's?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Loke is the god or angel of Change Management depending on your view?

</option>

<option>

• ...that a bird in hand is better than crabs in bush?

</option>

<option>

• ...that I.C. York-Hunt looks just like Mike Hunt?
• ...I.C. York-Hunt and raise you one Hugh G. Rection?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Mr. Wizard is a liar?

</option>

<option>

</option>

<option>

• ...that in mother Russia, the fool pities you!

</option>

<option>

• ...that oldthinkers unbellyfeel Unped?
• ...that Encydram and Wikped are doubleplusungood crimethinks?
• ...that Sophia is watching you?

</option>

<option>

• ...that James Bond fought for our freedom on numerous occasions, yet not one single day is set aside in his honour?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the shampoo adverts were lying, you are in fact not worth it.

</option>

<option>

• ...that the creamiest milk, the whitest bar, the good taste thats in Milky Bar was actually paraphrased from a much more disturbing (and incriminating) inaugural speech by Richard Nixon?

</option>

<option>

• ...that there are at least three other businesses like show business, as proved by Al Gore in 1976?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Anonymous does not forgive?

</option>

<option>

• ...that I'm moist?

</option>

<option>

• ...that SpongeBob Squarepants is actually a cartoon adaptation of the Ronald Reagan presidency?

</option>

<option>

• ...that it is better to have loved and lost than to have lost and found?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Fritz Alain won so many awards for teaching Ancient Russian?

</option>

<option>

• ...that tin cans, with a string stretched between them, were invented in 1810 by Al Gore?

</option>

<option>

• ...that people in New York change careers as often as their underwear?
• ...that people in New York don't change their underwear?
• ...that people in New York don't know the difference between software and underwear?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the body of Jimmy Hoffa, dressed in womens clothing, was found in a Tucson basement?

</option>

<option>

• ...that June is National Boycott Websites that Insult Their Contributors Month? See ya in July, asswipe!

</option>

<option>

• ...that more 200,000 people die every year of papercuts?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Journey only appears to have eight letters?

</option>

<option>

• ...where your children were at 11PM last night?
• ...that God made children so annoying on purpose so people wouldn't have too many of them?

</option>

<option>

• ...that in 1804, Lewis and Clark set forth across America only to discover... themselves?

</option>

<option>

• ...that all the evil people in Star Wars have a British accent?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Soylent Green is brown?

</option>

<option>

• ...that A Pricing Analyst is the world's third oldest profession, right after the whore and the pimp?

</option>

<option>

• ...that my other ride is your mom?

</option>

<option>

• ...that, according to Steven Tyler, a reason for losing your mind sure can be the fact of going crazy?

</option>

<option> Image:Wanted.JPG

• ...that Elvis assassinated JFK with his partner in crime, the Lindbergh baby?

</option>

<option>

• ...that your wife is cheating on you with the pool boy?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Billy Joel is an accredited driving instructor?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the toaster was invented by accident by a piece of bread which attempted to commit suicide?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Vincent Van Gogh was the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous?

</option>

<option>

• ...that although Gridley Bryant invented many railroad technologies in the 1820s, he never wrote any of the Thomas the Tank Engine books?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Beaver College changed its name to Flange College because it "too often misled wildlife conservationists"?

</option>

<option>

• ...that in a pinch, hydrogen peroxide can be substituted for alcohol in most cocktails?

</option>

<option>

• ...shit?

</option>

<option>

• ...that a coping saw is used to overcome weight loss, alcoholism, and gambling addictions?

</option>

<option>

• ...that all trees speak, but only some people hear them?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Anti-pesticidal maniacs are responsible for the extinction of on average six species of insect every day?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the maximum number of cats you can juggle is fourteen, after which you can juggle no more?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the Sun God's gift of cancer is honourable?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza was twice halted because the builders ran out of Lego bricks?

</option>

<option>

• ...that some species of turtle are remarkably resistant to centrifugal force, and can reach upwards of 5000 rpm before their wee little flippers fall off?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Afghanistan's primary export, after hard drugs, is dental floss?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Mussolini's favourite film was Land Before Time IV?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Tolstoy had to completely rewrite his manuscript for War and Peace when his hard drive crashed?

</option>

<option>

• ...that for every sixteen breaths you take, Sting earns a million dollars?

</option>

<option>

• ...that due to its evil, Planet Rupert is invisible to anyone who is pure of heart.

</option>

<option>

• ...that two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left?
• ...that two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do?
• ...that four lefts make a circle?

</option>

<option>

• ...that at the moment, I'm not wearing any pants?

</option>

<option>

• ...that all wooden legs are sold with a kick-stand?

</option>

<option>

• ...that a Sponge Bob Square Pants is actually a form of contraceptive?

</option>

<option>

• ...that questions end in question marks? Not with periods. Or exclamation points!

</option>

<option>

• ...that we're much better than Were You Aware, Didst Thou Ken, and DidYouKnowYourName?

</option>

<option>

• ...that after Fantasy Island, that guy who yelled "Da plane, da plane !" would return to his native Iraq to serve government official Dr. Asiphus Al Hussein ?

</option>

<option>

• ...that all your base are belong to us?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the world is NOT actually your oyster, it belongs to ME - ALL MINE!!

</option>

<option>

• ...that Baby Jesus cries every time Limp Bizkit comes out with another album?

</option>

<option>

• ...that you touch yourself at night?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the flooding of New Orleans was actually caused by a suicide plumber?

</option>

<option>

• ...that I just saved 15% on my car insurance by switching to Gecko?

</option>

<option>

• ...that when I un-buckle my Trousers of Justice, I unleash the purple-veined Sword of Truth?

</option>

<option>

• ...that most superheroes wish they were working part-time? Quality day-care is hard to find these days.

</option>

<option>

</option>

<option>

• ...that encoded into the dot of the "i" in the well-known phrase "Tesco - Every Little Helps" is a carefully worded contract binding your soul and all earthly estate to the will of Beelzebub, our Dark Lord and Master?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the popular online game ZZT was actually invented in 1943 by Japanese scientists as an interrogation device? Moreover, did you know that it had a nausea inducement rate of 97% in early trials?

</option>

<option>

• ...that when you play the album 'The Last Tour on Earth' by Marilyn Manson backwards you can actually hear the voice of Jesus spreading the gospel?

</option>

<option>

• ...the muffin man?

</option>

<option>

• ...that everybody loves you, baby. We're all going England crazy.

</option>

<option>

• ...that I have the biggest penis? And the smallest hands?
• ...that ^ actually has a tiny penis and huge hands? Ladies, don't be fooled.

</option>

<option>

• ...that life is a sexually transmitted disease?

</option>

<option>

• ...that WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, and that IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Bill Gates has a good reason to name his company MicroSoft?
• ...that he named it that because it describes his penis?
• ...that you should name your company NanoSoft?
• ...that micro- means one millionth and nano- means one billionth?
• ...that in the long run, both mean tiny?

</option>

<option>

• ...that I'm the last Prophet of God?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Oceania is at war with Eurasia (it has always been at war with Eurasia)?
• ...that ^ is two minutes out of date? Oceania is at war with Eastasia, fool!

</option>

<option>

• ...that Phil the mechanic has the keys to my garage?

</option>

<option>

• ...that 75% of all Did you knows are made by 12-year-old bed wetters? - Hey shut up man, you're not playing the game. - You shut up! - No you shut up! - Look, all of you just shut up!
• ...that I'm not a bed wetter?
• ...that actually I lied. I am.

</option>

<option>

• ...that the guy from Green Day stole my gothic sister's makeup?
• ...that he stole her panties too?

</option>

<option>

• ...that you have the right to remain silent, and that anything you say can and will be used against you?

</option>

<option>

• ...that in the criminal justice system the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: The police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders, and that these are their stories, doink doink?

</option>

<option>

• ...that suicide bombers are a bunch of show offs?

</option>

<option>

• ...that you are likely to be eaten by a Grue?

</option>

<option>

• ...that Jesusland is NOT a theme park?

</option>

<option>

• ...that the Romans are currently looking for the one they call Spartacus?
• ...that I am Spartacus?
• ...that no, that I am Spartacus?
• ...that ...silence... I am Spartacus?
• ...that only one of these men is the real Spartacus - the other two are impostors. Panel, read along with me, if you will: "I am Spartacus. I was born and raised as a slave. In 73 BC I led a historic slave rebellion against the Roman upper-class. Our battle against the Roman legions, became known as the Third Servile War. Signed Spartacus."
• ...that my name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius - father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next?
• ...that my name is Biggus Dickus, and I rank highly in Rome!
• ...that this may be our last chance to use indented bullet points before EvilZak gets back from vacation?
• ...that we better make the most of it while we can?
• ...that we'll make the bullet points undent rather than indent, before this all gets too silly?
• ...that I'll be Spartacus too, if you want?
• ...that I'm the Real Slim Shady?
• ...that he's Spartacus?
• ...that Spartacus can dance if he wants to?

</option>

<option>

• ...that I'm running out of ideas for DYKs?

</option></choose>

<choose> <option>*...that AAAAAA Aaaa aa aaaaaaaaaa aaa!</option> <option>*...that a barrel clown is a clown that sleeps in every 14th construction barrel on the road? They sit in there all day, eating sandwiches until somebody hits their barrel with their car.</option> <option>*...that a Cabbage can kill you just by looking at you funny? They rip people in half all the time, and roll around in their bloody entrails. They wouldn't even think twice about tearing off your arm, and jamming it through your eyesocket so that the fingers are sticking out your mouth, and then kicking you in the nuts, which would make you BITE YOUR OWN FINGERS OFF. The purpose of the cabbage is to flip out and KILL.</option> <option>*...that, according to Aesop, a tortoise and a hare agreed to race? The hare took off at a tremendous pace, but lay down to sleep on the way. The slow but steady tortoise thus emerged victorious. Moral: Tortoises frequently carry rohypnol. Never leave your drink unattended when tortoises are about. </option> <option>*...that, according to the DPRK, "Kim Jong-Il is regarded by many as the greatest being that the entirety of humanity has ever seen*...and has caught Mew in Pokémon, obtained the Triforce in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and resurrected Aerith in Final Fantasy VII?"</option> <option>*...that Afghanistan is a country located in Central Asia and in the Middle East, serving as a vital bridge between “nations that like to blow themselves up” and “nations that nobody really cares about"?</option> <option>*...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?</option> <option>*...that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings. </option> <option>*... that all of Grover Cleveland's presidencies were ended by successful assassinations?</option> <option>*...that All Your Base Are Belong To Us?</option> <option>*...that Alternative Medicine is a broad term describing those things which differ from actual medicine, which is hopelessly unhip and square. None of them are quite as healthy as you putting the bong down and getting some fresh air and exercise, but what are the odds of that happening?</option> <option>*...that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?</option> <option>*...that as soon as you compare someone to Hitler. you lose the argument immediately, the thread closes, and you are Banned from the Internet? Proposing war for the purity of the Aryan blood is an effective way to trick your opponent into comparing you with Hitler; you will also win a Certificate of Hitlertude.</option> <option>*...that Ayn Rand's Fountainhead Earth series achieved negative sales, with critics sending their copies back as returns and more copies being remaindered than were actually printed.</option> <option>*...that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?</option> <option>*...that bloodbath is one of the most frequently attended spectator sports; Major League Bloodbath matches are enjoyed by millions of people everyday on the radio and TV?</option> <option>*...that Dake-Bonoism is a modern synthesis of the pentecostal teachings of the late Rev. Finis Jennings Dake and lyrical writings of Bono (lead singer for the popular Irish band U2)?</option> <option>*...that dentists have admitted that, thanks to the invention of the electric toothbrush, they are now pretty much useless? Many only survive by living on the street and collecting donations from people who give them money because they don't realize that they are dentists.</option> <option>*...that Emoticonics, a well regarded and inconcievable science with a rich history and creamy centre, was established in the early eighteen sixty ones by Anonymous and was initially concerned almost entirely with developing a method for the faceless to convey emotion? ;)</option> <option>*...that Fanfiction.net, originally formed to distribute Harry Potter slash/fiction, was created by Josef Mengele as a means to test the limits of human endurance?</option> <option>*...that Fecal E.Coli is the flagship product of the legendary Coca Coli Company.</option> <option>*...that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion.</option> <option>*...that Gibberish is a European language spoken on the windswept steppes of the British-controlled Iberian region of Gibraltar?</option> <option>*... that Gödel's famous Incompleteness Theorem states that no Talk page is ever complete? He proved it by the diagonalization method, forming a diagonal string of comments of "we should end this discussion now" entries. This result was later improved on by repeatedly adding of "Shut up". </option> <option>*...that God is possibly the best known fictional entity on Earth after the Beatles? He was elected to be our god for the 2006th year running this year, barely beating the Egyptian sun god Ra, Omnipotent Odin, and the Almighty Prune (still recovering from alcoholism). He is also dog spelled backwards.</option> <option>*... that I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle?</option> <option>*...that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?</option> <option>*...that in German, you can easily wordyouanywaylikesentencetogetherputtingbybuild? In fact, it's mandatory. Talk like Yoda and take out the spaces.</option> <option>*...that in late 2001, President Bush declared total war on Planet Earth and all nation states and ecosystems harboring life?</option> <option>*...that in the Perpetual 80's alternate universe, after December 31, 1989 all time-keeping devices revert back to Tuesday, January 1, 1980 due to a bug in the alternate universe's C64 system code?</option> <option>*... that it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt that the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people try to go to IKEA together for a relaxing afternoon?</option> <option>*...that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?</option> <option>*... that It's A Wonderful Life's George Bailey was one of the most renowned criminals of the 1940s?</option> <option>*... that J.D. Salinger was this guy, he was a writer I think? He wrote this book, it was about baseball or bread or something.</option> <option>*... that Seigenthaler was himself assassinated on live TV in 1964 but made a special pact with Satan to preserve his living body, at the cost of his soul? Satan found his soul too small and stringy to be nutritious, and threw it in the garbage bin where it was never found.</option> <option>*... that Keira Knightley In A White Corset And Kate Beckinsale In A Black One is a 2006 film starring Keira Knightley in a white corset and Kate Beckinsale in a black one? The film was titled according to the 2005 Hollywood Truth In Titling regulations. </option> <option>*... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?</option> <option>*... that Kool Aid was a benefit concert held in order to help cool people everywhere, who were struggling to maintain their hip status in a world filled with squares?</option> <option>*... that Lord Byron was killed on May 25, 1840, in a pistol duel with Oscar Wilde at Wilde's East London apartment in what was promoted by Don King as the "Spat in the Flat"?</option> <option>*... that ** HTTP Error 403: Can't touch this! **?</option> <option>*...that middle and high schools in America frequently exaggerate the intelligence, achievements and superpowers of the country’s Founding Fathers?</option> <option>*... that Mordor is a former Soviet nation, which became an autonomous republic in 1984 with the fall of Hadrian's Wall? It borders Slovenia, Land of the Dead, Euthanasia, Ankh-Morpork, Magincia, Cop Land and Iraq.</option> <option>*... that Much Ado About Yokels by William Shakespeare is sassy, witty, funny, scathing, poised, naïve, twitterpated, smarmy, biting, sarcastic, caustic, intrepid, loathsome, riotous, and a terrible piece of theatre? After this play was published in 1902, it was doubtful that Shakespeare would ever work in Hollywood again.</option> <option>*... that Newmath was approved by Minitrue for inclusion into the Oceania state newcurriculum in 1984, along with newspeak and goodthink?</option> <option>*... that Nostradamus was regarded as one of the best prophecy writers of the 13th century, penning the bestsellers The Da Vinci Code and 1984 which both won Ivor Novello Awards for their lyrical content? Most prophets of his generation were stoned, but he was more unconventional, preferring to inject marmite.</option> <option>*...that not since Pot v. Kettle has the Supreme Court presided over a more important case than Raccoon Tail v. Super Mario Cape?</option> <option>*... that Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies was added to the "Dummies" series in 2002 in light of a sudden demand for cheaper heart surgery? The do-it-yourself method was popularised by this book, written by Gerald Carter, a freelance writer with no medical experience whatsoever.</option> <option>*... that Peer is this annoying guy who hangs out on IRC? He has connections with the Masters of the Internet so his name is always hidden from the user lists in channels. When someone least expects it, Peer jumps out and resets their connections.</option> <option>*... that Philip Glass (January 31, 1937 – ) is a composer of minimalist music, who once worked as a taxi driver in; Philip Glass is a composer of erotic music, who once worked as a taxi driver; Philip Glass is a composer of minimalist music, who once worked as a taxi*...?</option> <option>*... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.</option> <option>*... that you forgot Poland?</option> <option>*...that Poop is part of a balanced breakfast?</option> <option>*...that Pot v. Kettle was a landmark case in USA history, giving people the right to make hypocritical statements without fear of retribution? What made this Supreme Court case unique was the fact that the Pot himself was black, as was the Kettle.</option> <option>*... that Quantum Economics conflicts with general common sense?</option> <option>*...that random humour is unique in that it is the only type of humor that is an ingredient in Jell-O? It is best known for being similar to Mountain Dew in that it has no use in solving a maze.</option> <option>*...that Redundancy is the use of superfluous text, speech, or items, repetitive text, speech, or items, that is more than what is required or is superfluous, repetitive, or more than required?</option> <option>*...that Romania's primary import is drama? Romanian roommates are the world's greatest natural source of drama, and their output does not diminish over time. Romania is also the world's leading exporter of vampires, gymnasts and sexual fetishisation of old women.</option> <option>*...that RTFM is Interwebs-speak for "Repeat the first message". If someone tells you to RTFM, be patient with them and copy-and-paste your original message several times. Typing the message with capslock on will improve the chances that it will get through.</option> <option>*... that Santa Claus is real? If you haven't seen him it's because you've been naughty, telling lies, or Jewish.</option> <option>*...that Scotland is not currently allied with anyone although they do go out drinking and having a good time whilst watching the football with Ireland on occasion?</option> <option>*...that Senator is the brightest star system in the southern constellation of Toast?</option> <option>*...that, since a bar means a group of attorneys and Mitzvah means good deed, most Jewish scholars believe Bar Mitzvah translates to "It's good to know how to sue someone"?</option> <option>*...that Stereotype Reassignment Surgery is a newly invented technique allowing national, ethnic and social groups who are fed up with their current stereotypes to trade them with another group?</option> <option>*...that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?</option> <option>*...that Styrofoam is a slightly edible fruit which is produced in overwhelming quantities from nothing at all?</option> <option>*...that Terri Schiavo, a martyr, was beatified for the miracle of distracting the American public long enough that God's will could be codified as law without anyone raising a fuss about it?</option> <option>*...that God (born God Cohen in 4004BC in Liverpool, England) is one of the most famous and prolific musicians in the Western world? Though he recorded under the name God during his early career, a contractual dispute with his former label led him to change his recording name to YHVH, a string of unpronouncable consonants?</option> <option>*...that the Attack of the 500 foot Jesus will take place at exactly 06:06:06 on Tuesday the 1st of January, 2008, on the dot? Thus will Nostradamus finally be proven wrong, since he stupidly predicted that all of this would occur a full three days later.</option> <option>*...that the Book of Moses called The Table of Contents is the zeroth book of the Old Testament of the Holy Bible?</option> <option>*...that the film industry of Mediocre Britain has become one of the most successful film industries in the world as its wise and far-sighted producers, realising in the mid-80’s that people were afraid of any form of innovation or originality in the cinema, endlessly re-make the same 3 movies?</option> <option>*...that the Dark Ages were caused by a lack of bon-bon deliciousness to make everyone happy and stop killing each other with swords and crossbows?</option> <option>*...that the disposal of broken banana phones by tossing them out the window onto the road often leads to a driver running over the banana and spinning out?</option> <option>*...that the English–American Dictionary was designed as a reference to Americans as they attempt to understand, and be understood, by English-type people? It is intended to prevent embarrassment caused by the misinterpretation of rubber and other such words and phrases.</option> <option>*...that the film Dude, Where's My Time Machine? has been criticized by physicists who claim the movie paints an unrealistic picture of time travel? Celebrated physicist and cartwheel champion Stephen Hawking said, "Even if we were to accept that that many sorority sluts could travel through time at once, it is still improbable that Mr. Kutcher would end up wearing one of the girls' panties."</option> <option>*...that the first performance involving an Air Guitar was a live open-air concert outside of Sherwood Forest where Lute player Allan O'The Dell and Court Jester Robin The Gnarled appeared sporting a radical new design of Lute they had crafted from air?</option> <option>*...that the Flintstones obviously pre-dates the Honeymooners since it takes place at a time in history when men and dinosaurs shared the earth?</option> <option>*...that the GI Joe-Transformers War took place in 1988, and resulted in the Autobots/Joe Alliance (AJA) gaining control over the Union of Decepticon and Cobra Forces' (UDCF) strongholds in the Bedroom and Backyard theatres?</option> <option>*...that the history of the Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition dates back to just before World War II? Benito Mussolini, seeking a way to bring his allies closer together, invited Adolf Hitler and Emperor Hirohito to Rome; Hitler brought a large number of frankfurters (his favourite) for the trip.</option> <option>*...that the Idiotic Table of the Elements was started by Greek scientist Idiocrates in 1430 BCE? The early table only contained four elements: Flaemon, Wettium, Windon, and Dirtium.</option> <option>*... that the modified iPod Nano 200 GB's capacity enables you to store about 50 000 pieces of music? If this capacity is filled with illegal "warez" mp3s, you can be fined up to 75 000 USD. (204 800 megabytes, 4 megabytes per song, 10 songs per CD, average CD price illegally fixed at 15 USD).</option> <option>*... that the iPod yocto, Apple's 1,337th digital audio player this year, is the smallest possible iPod? Its width and length are physically impossible to measure simultaneously, and it is the first known digital audio player to weigh less than air.</option> <option>*... that the KITTENHOEFFER magazine stand and the NAPAALM torture rack are actually made from identical components, but issued with different instruction leaflets?</option> <option>*... that the kitten hurling battle originated in the steamy jungles of what is now Québec as a mating ritual of the Aztecs? Men would attempt to establish dominance over each other to impress females by measure of how vicious a kittening he could receive.</option> <option>*... that the gun that shoots guns that shoots swords is similar to the gun that shoots swords, but instead of shooting swords, it shoots another gun? When the second gun reaches the end of the string, you pull back on the first gun and the second gun shoots a sword.</option> <option>*...that [[The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time]|“You can't kill Mark Twain, judge. He's an immortal piece of Ninteenth Century Americana.”]] ~ Winston Churchill </option> <option>*... that the mystery of the missing milk was a mystery that dominated newspaper headlines and became one of the greatest conspiracy theories of 1995? It remains unsolved with literally tens of police officers working on the case daily.</option> <option>*...that language is believed to have first been discovered around 45,000,000 BC when, moving rocks from one big pile of rocks to another large pile of rocks, an unnamed caveman dropped a rock on his foot and uttered the pivotal first word: “Moog”? Modern scholars have extensively studied this word and, going through all root languages, cite the modern translation of “Moog” to be “Fuck, my toe!”</option> <option>*...that The Oldest Trick in the Book is the infamous "Tapping on a person's left shoulder when you're standing on their right"? This trick was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia.</option> <option>*... that the Orange Construction Barrel (viaae fabricatio barrelus) is one of several species of highly specialized plants which have adapted to be able to grow in the most extreme of conditions - the roadways of North America? It is the second most common member of the sub-genus fabricatio -- commonly known as the "fabriforms" -- and is prized for its weather-resistance and bioluminescent fruit.</option> <option>*...that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?</option> <option>*...that there is a website offering free iPods in return for completing offers and referring freinds to do the same?</option> <option>*...that the Seven Deadly Sins are both seven and deadly? Whoever has the highest five-sin combination is immediately struck down.</option> <option>*...that the Spanish Inquisition was a jovial TV quiz show between 1950-1955, which nobody expected?</option> <option>*...that the Teletubbies, also known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, led Notre Dame to two football National Championships between 1920 and 1924? The four were all dominant figures in their respective positions in the back-field, crushing each opponent mightily.</option> <option>*...that the University of California was founded in 1868 by giant reptilian hippies from the planet Zarkon? It is the 56th State of the United States of America and owes its economic success to the fact that it is the only state of the union to abolish private property and become a communist utopia.</option> <option>*...that the word "Estonia" consists of two different words: "Est" and "Onia". Est means East and Onia=Onion, so Estonia should actually be called The Eastern Onion Country?</option> <option>*...that the word fascist refers to anyone who annoys you, even slightly? Why exactly the fascists stopped strutting around in black shirts publicly assaulting their enemies, and started correcting the spelling of your e-mails and telling you off for not washing your coffee cup is unknown.</option> <option>*... that the year 1927 was so awesome, immense applause at the end of it resulted in not one but eight encores?</option> <option>*...that 'twas The Night After Christmas when all through the house, was an orgy of presents worth more than*... the house?</option> <option>*...that Uncyclopedia Brown is the fictional hero of a series of detective stories for small children written by Oscar Wilde? His real name is Rasputin H. Brown, but he is known by the nickname Uncyclopedia, due to his vast knowledge of facts, figures and dates, all of which are untrue, misleading or inaccurate. </option> <option>*...that what marks the style of The Doctor out from other documentaries such as Horizon, The Day Today and Newsround Review is that the educational nature of the programme is carefully disguised behind a plot regarding aliens, time travel and such like, woven from the real-life adventures of Oscar Wilde? </option> <option>*...that when an expendable member of the crew in Star Trek wears a special uniform that creates reduced empathy, his death creates little discomfort, and he can be sacrificed for the good of the greater United Federation of Planets?</option> <option>*... that when it was featured, Nihilism was the most content-free entry in history?</option> <option>*... that, while controversy has arisen over the name, imagery and the lack of African-American players or management of the Birmingham Niggers baseball club, the team's media guide notes: "You don't see any Native Americans playing for the Indians or Redskins, do you?"</option> <option>*...that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Brothers movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?</option> <option>*...that while your mobile phone takes photos and video clips, plays music, receives and sends email, browses the Web, has a PDA with WiFi and Bluetooth built in and, of course, does text and picture messaging, Nokia has proposed yet another feature, called "voice chat?"</option> <option>*...that whilst the Certificate of Hitlertude and the Certificate of Terrorism have been a rousing success, attempts to perform a similar service for people whose arguments have been compared to Communism have been less than successful as nobody cares anymore?</option> <option>*...that Wilde wilde wicked Wikipedia is a tragic parody of Uncyclopedia, although Wikipedia claims the reverse.?</option> <option>*...that with the release of the limited editions of Spy vs. Spy and 3 Stooges, an outbreak of people having pianos dropped on them, being rolled over by steamrollers and encountering other bizarre incidents occurred? The next day, however, all of the victims were inexplicably unharmed.</option> <option>*...that WMD refers to "W's Missing Doughnuts", an incident at a Cabinet meeting that is the most probable cause for The War Against Terror?</option> <option>*...that *SERBIA_ROLLZ strikes ArchDuke for 47 damage! A critical hit!*?</option> <option>*...that X-Windows completely determines the look, smell and feel of applications running on it in such a strict way that all application windows look exactly the same? Although this makes it look far better than Mac OS X and even Windows XP, some users find it hard to distinguish between their applications when they all have the same title.</option> <option>*...that you have two cows; Bessie, Maisie, and Clarabelle? You also have trouble counting.</option> <option>*...that zombies walk the Earth because there is simply no more room left in Hell; this as a result of the "No More Room In Hell Act" of 1662 wherein Satan outlawed further immigration into Hell because of "those damn dirty Americans" stealing all of the good jobs there and putting immense stress on the demonic economy?</option> <option>*...that you have been eaten by a Grue?</option> </choose>

Though Zoloft has been very successful in its ad for fighting depression on American television, it's had difficulty adapting its campaign for Japan.

The Microsoft Word Processor is good for the office and the kitchen! It can be yours for just 3 easy payments of $39.99!

Shown here is Leon Trotsky, rewriting history with his trusty "NEV-R-FAIL®" Marx-A-Lot pen.

The iPod Floppy, Apple's newest generation of iPods. Now with 1.44 MB of space for 16 Kbps music and .2 seconds of video!

Michael Jackson demonstrating the proper way to feed dingos.

Whack-A-Mao: the national pastime of Taiwan.

Creationists believe that dinosaurs and man lived side by side, as late as 1865.

Polar bears are often mistaken for bloodthirsty predators due to the messes they make while eating raspberries.

A typical English country signpost.

Windows XP is renowned for its stability and reliability.

The Joy of Killing starring Bob Ross.

Cheney, who believed that Wittington presented a credible threat to the United States, later explained the shooting as a result of faulty intelligence.

Controversial picture: Freedom of Software or direspect to Islam?

George Bush meets with his cabinet to work on a plan to spread freedom and love throughout the land.

NEW! Individually wrapped for people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Cookie Monster's last name becomes much more accurate when he is deprived of cookies...

Mickeys - the drug of choice for today's trendy ravers.

DaVinci's Hewlett-Packard printer was to be the undoing of his most famous work, resulting in what art scholars have termed the "Mono Lisa."

Just when you thought hospital food couldn't get worse...

The flag of Turkey, as it has appeared since 1844.

Something seems to be missing, but everyone is too stoned to care.

A state planning committee map of Connecticut.

In light of recent tragedies, the National Pet Association has released new warning labels for hazardous dogs.

A screenshot of MS Paint, a popular image manipulation program.

After being given superpowers by the Manhattan Project, Harry S. Truman (a.k.a. The Truman Torch) personally drops the bomb on Hiroshima.

Mr. T is a beacon of hope in our cold and dark world.

The infamous "Rumble in Euroipods" was wrought with ego-related injuries.

Alas, poor Sonnet.

The pill for what ails our administrators.

The apple pie chart: A winning presentation.

It'll have the kids saying, "Jawohl, mein Führer!"

President Abraham Lincoln reportedly typed the Emancipation Proclamation on his personal laptop.

Sharks with freaking laser-beams.

J.D. Salinger wrote a book about baseball or bread or something.

A Sumo wrestler dealing his opponent the finishing blow.

The valuable authentic NASA satellite image of the Great European Continent.

During the late 1990s, the band U2 fell on hard times.

The cover of Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City, in stores soon.

The M822 Hand Grenade is an explosive device that resembles a hand. On activation, the device lunges towards the nearest throat or throat-like object and latches on tight with its five "fingers" exploding violently in a gruesome mess. Special care must be taken when activating the grenade. When activated, one should run behind the nearest wall or bush and squat down, so that the grenade cannot "see" you.

The infamous mug shot of the Kool-Aid Man.

1927 picture of Coolidge in prison. In recent years, the authenticity of this photo has been questioned.

The Ramadan Plaza Hotel in the Little Mecca neighborhood of San Diego, California.

General Gates, despite many shutdowns and crashes, emerged victorious in the Battle of Microsoft.

This is the most delicious Hitler I've ever seen.

Children's books as they should be.

Poop Cuisine for the culinarily challenged.

Heinrich Himmler in his Gothic Lolita uniform.

Elita-1 on the cover of Gentlebots Magazine.

The Bermuda Triangle strikes again!

President Reagan addressing the nation.

The Romanian coat of arms.

A powerful tool for stereotype reassignment.

Lance with a brick on the end: The brick guarantees you will win each time. Until the other guy gets one.

Despite his darker skin tone and lack of facial hair, Gary Coleman has proven himself a worthy Burt Reynolds lookalike.

The cover art for the Green Day album Canadian Idiot.

The Flag of the Autobots Joe Alliance (AJA).

Sauron is known as the Lord of the Dance and the Saint of the Step. From blasting her way through 15 interstellar dance battles to achieving the highest-ever recorded score on Dance Dance Revolution, she has never stopped dancing and dreaming.

Protestant Black Pope Xena is often accompanied by her steed and Papal Consort Gilliam.

The Pants Vaporizer was invented as a practical joke by Ed K. Quickswallow, a philosophy major at San Diego Community College. Quickswallow's first victim was Gerald Ford, for no particular reason. Despite rave reviews from drunken perverts, the vaporizer was taken off the shelves due to the Prevention of Arbitrary Pants Vaporisation Act of 1999.

Der Sieben Samurai by Fritz Lang was a critical success.

The War Against Terror (TWAT) was fought with whatever tools the combatants could fashion themselves. The hockeyzooka, a weapon used by terrorist footsoldiers in the 9/11 attacks, proved devastatingly effective against the government's more ungainly thermonuclear warheads.

When a physical object is placed into orbit, the deepest foundations of our commonsense view of the world unravel. Matter becomes energy, time becomes space, power becomes knowledge, love becomes money, and the inexorable power of compound interest takes hold.

Darth Vader was the only spawn of Qui-Gon-Jinn, a legendary intergalactic televangelist who made millions on the planet Naboo curing toasters of inflammation. During his reign as King of Iceland, Darth Vader often took time off to endorse a variety of things, including the Segway.

Photo credit: RadicalX</option>

Henry the VIII did not give this medal to Pope Clement VII, who wanted to trade for a silly hat and the Church of England.

Hello Kitty, the mouthless, bow-haired standard of the Sanrio Corporation, is a eugenics weapon developed during World War II designed to literally destroy testosterone. Victims of Hello Kitty Exposure typically experience hallucinations, lactation, and a deep desire to spend money on painfully cute accessories.

Satan hates his job, too.

The Archangel Megatron served as the Voice of God until his fall from grace in 1981. His role was as the Archangelic force of the Sephiroth "Keifer Sutherland", known as the first Emanation. Megatron was crafted out of the most precious minerals, and had control of the heavens. He rose to the greatest heights of the Divine Council, being cristened the title "Son of the Morning".

</option>

</choose>
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